Help your friends help you

By Julia Allison | Special to amNewYork

February 19, 2007

I love matchmakers. I love the idea of it setting people up and watching them fall in love. I love the people who do it -- the clucking yentas and the sleek Alicia Silverstone types and all of the amateurs in between. I've even tried it; I'm 0 for 37. Yes, I suck.

Susan Shapiro doesn't. With 12 marriages, seven long term relationships and about 500 we-totally-hit-it-off dates under her extroverted belt, the author of 'Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic: How to Meet and Marry Your Match' doesn't do it for the money. She does it for the karma.

Oh yeah... and because it works. "Having a comrade, co-worker, or cousin you love set you up for free is the oldest, cheapest, fastest, safest, and nicest route to landing love," she explains.

Shapiro calls it 'Postmodern Matchmaking.' There's no need to use a 'professional'--just log off of Match.com, call up your friends, bosses, co-workers, and sisters, and tell them to SET YOU UP ALREADY.

Don't ask in a roundabout way like, "what's that cute friend of yours up to lately?" Spell. It. Out.

"I want a relationship. Do you know any suitable, not-psychotic, not-married-or-known-for-philandering-and/or-tax-evasion candidates in the tri-state area?" They'll get the hint.

"People are often better with other people's lives than their own," says Shapiro. "The moment you make the decision to share your desire for a mate, the world will conspire to help you."

So maybe they can't think of anyone--that instant. No worries, says Shaprio. "Just tell them, 'keep me in mind if you come across anyone single who you think is special.'"

Whatever you do, don't burden your new (free) matchmaker with an exhaustive list of your demanding criteria ('his name must be John and he must be at least 3.5 inches taller, and have a net worth of $2.5 million and contribute the full amount to his 401 K, and be half Jewish but only on his mother's side'). Come on.

Ask any happily married people you know and I guarantee 90% of them will say that their partner didn't fit their 'checklist.' In fact, the characteristics we often swear are dealbreakers frequently turn out not to be. And vice versa!

"It's not the most beautiful, successful, richest or youngest singles who click with their matches the fastest and have the best marriages," says Shapiro. "It's the people who are the most open-minded, willing to bend, grow, change, take lemons and make lemonade -- even if they'd prefer vodka."

Despite everything, "sometimes it just boils down to a numbers game," Shapiro admits.

It's what I always say about taking photos -- take 10 and you'll get 1 you really like. The dating odds are even stiffer -- for every 20 singles you meet, you might find one with whom you click.

Then again, it only takes one!

Julia isn't giving up on her own matchmaking. She'll get a couple to their second date one of these days! Email Julia at Julia@JuliaAllison.com.