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Relationship biology: Hard-wired to frustrate?

BY JULIA ALLISON | Special to amNewYork

April 17, 2006

Cover of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, by Scott Haltzman. (Handout / April 16, 2006)

Women constantly seek improvement of themselves ("Extreme Makeover"), their surroundings ("Extreme Makeover Home Edition"), and of course, their relationships (umm--Dr. Phil?).

Men, on the other hand, won't read the manual until it doesn't work.

How is it that these admittedly stale stereotypes still exist? Because they're true, according to Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: 8 Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."

"The average man, unless pressed for answers, does not actively think much about relationships," he says.

Although I am neither married, nor a man, I'll read any self-help book that lands within a three-foot radius of my eyes.

Intriguingly, I almost always learn something, if not life changing, at least thought-provoking.

With Haltzman's book, which can easily be applied to relationships outside the bonds of holy matrimony, I was informed that men are not "relationship incompetent," they're just told they are so often that they end up believing it.

I learned that couples need to "get past the feminized and idealized notions of the 'perfect' relationship," and that "talking about feelings may be overrated." I discovered shockingly enough that it's women who initiate splits (especially divorce) more than two-thirds of the time.

Although women are more likely to complain about their relationships, both genders tend to leave relationships "because they think they're with the wrong person." They find someone else, do the same things and wonder why nothing is different.

"I think we're all with the 'wrong person,'" says Haltzman.

Maybe so. But I think what he really means is that there is no 'perfect' person, and certainly no perfect relationship (this shouldn't be news to New Yorkers).

Instead of tirelessly searching for that elusive love-topia, Haltzman recommends working on what you've got already. Or as Tyra Banks would say, "Work what yo mamma gave ya." Although I guess in this case it would be what your partner's mamma gave ya.

Recognizing what you can and cannot change is key, especially as disparities between male and female biology explain many of the persistent frustrations we have with our significant other.

Apparently, females have larger deep-limbic systems (the emotion centers in the brain), and males have fewer neural pathways to the limbic systems "reason number one that females are more in touch with their emotions."

Reason No. 2? Researchers have found that after an emotional event, the amygdala, which plays a key role in the processing of emotions, remains active longer in women.

In men, it quickly shuts down as their brains engage other areas; "men simply don't hold on to emotional responses for very long without searching for a rational response to process the emotion."

And finally, Haltzman guides us to the brain's hippocampus, which plays a key role in emotional memory. Women's hippocampi are larger and have more neural pathways, explaining their ability to remember emotional events with much greater longevity and color.

Which completely explains The Boyfriend's incessant and exasperating inability to recall anything that even tangentially concerns our relationship.

"Men have emotional ADD," he shrugs when offered a rare chance to defend himself. "We can only take listening to your problems for a minute. When we have issues, we'll fight them out and be done with it but you keep Microsoft Outlook reminders so you don't forget to harass us every few days."

How did he know about those!?!

Julia is furtively deleting her next six reminders, including "Follow Up: Continue Fight with Boyfriend Over Acceptable Tivo Settings." E-mail: Julia@JuliaAllison.com.