Friends without benefits

BY JULIA ALLISON | Special to amNewYork

July 24, 2006

Friends with benefits (Graphic by Shane Parrish)

A few weeks ago, a casting director e-mailed me about a new reality show -- "it's like 'Friends'," she said, "but real." (Wait -- "Friends" wasn't real?) Would I come audition with three of my closest girl friends and three of my closest guy friends?

I thought about it. And then I realized -- I don't have any guy friends. In fact, besides The Boyfriend and a handful of male relatives, the only men currently in my cell phone are either very much work-related or very much my exes.

I knew I was a girl's girl -- the kind who avoided boys at my birthday parties until I was at least 21 -- but I didn't realize my man-friend drought was this bad. In college, I had a diverse group of friends, which ostensibly included those harboring Y-chromosomes. But since graduating two years ago, my conversations with those guys have totaled approximately zero.

Are platonic male-female friendships that difficult to find and maintain? A few years ago, I wrote an article about such relationships, spelling out the "limited circumstances under which they could occur":

A) If both are unattractive
B) If both are unattracted [to each other]
C) If both have a significant other
D) If one or both are gay
E) If one is a eunuch
F) If one is dating the other's best friend.

(Although I later retracted (F), given "overwhelming anecdotal proof" that dating one's best friend does not, in fact, halt carnal lust.)

In other words -- as long as no one's interested in sex, you're fine! The only problem is, uh, people (men) frequently are -- interested in sex, that is.

Still, there are compelling reasons to attempt such a relationship, despite the challenges. At best, they can give you perspective -- the ability to see into a world you cannot inhabit and do not understand. At worst, they can lead to "destruction of the spirit and ego, followed by slow shredding of the heart," as one poetically bitter friend told me years ago. (Or sexual frustration, to be slightly more specific.) Either way, platonic friendships with a member of the opposite sex are elusive, precarious balancing acts.

Balancing acts like the adorable guy I attempted to befriend recently, who said the only way he could be "just friends" with a woman was if she were "ugly" or he had slept with her.

"Well, that sucks," I groused. "I guess we can't be friends?"

"Of course we can!" he said.

"Whew," I replied, relieved.

"So, should I get a condom?"

Sigh.

Email Julia@JuliaAllison.com