Don't hate me because I'm single

By Julia Allison | Special to amNewYork

August 21, 2006

I don't know what kind of response I expected to last week's column on breaking up with The Boyfriend ("Not Yet Ready for Mr. Right"), but it certainly wasn't "your [sic] a dumb ho."

Well, that's one way to put it.

Actually, "your a dumb ho" was the least of it. I did get a host of positive missives, but the rest were positively irate, calling me a "self-destructive, unappreciative fool" and wishing me unending misery in a house full of cats.

One woman told me I would have "baby fever" in three years. Another told me that I'd be on J-Date when I was 43. (Really? By 2025 I sincerely hope there are better ways to meet people. Ways that don't involve blurry self-portraits.)

The general consensus was that I was an immature, shortsighted idiot.

Well, I'm not going to lie -- that's already occurred to me. I'm petrified that I'm making the wrong decision. How could I not be?

My relationship offered security, stability, predictability. The (Ex) Boyfriend gave me unconditional love AND did my laundry at least half the time, if not more. It would be much, much easier to stay with him than forge out on my own.

Given that, comments like "You may realize a few years down the road that you made the most horrific mistake of your life," give me pause. But I'm still not convinced one should make life choices solely to avoid possible future unhappiness and/or houses with multiple cats.

I am convinced that if I stayed with The Boyfriend, married him, and had children, that I'd feel a nagging uneasiness.

Could I make it alone, without his support? Should I have experienced more of life independently, before submerging myself in the cozy confines of coupledom?

I know there are those who decide to spend their lives together straight out of college, but that's never felt right to me.

They used to call it "going from your father's house to your husband's house." It would be effortless for me to do that, but it would be a mistake.

One reader agreed: "I wish every woman in her teens and 20s could have read [your column last week]. Every person I know (under 45) who got married in their twenties is now divorced." The reader had "no regrets" about getting married at 33, and concluded her e-mail by writing, "I have a great husband, but life is even better because I know I could always make it on my own again if I needed or wanted to."

And that's exactly what I'm looking for.

E-mail Julia@JuliaAllison.com