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Holiday gifts he'll love to hate

BY JULIA ALLISON | Special to amNewYork

December 5, 2005

Traditional holiday gifts for men have started to bore me. How many times can a guy feign excitement over a tie, a sweater, a pair of boxers (not his size) or an enormous framed photo? He's sick of it and hoping you'll buy him Xbox 360, even though he's 47 and complains about finger arthritis.

Xbox isn't happening, but how about mixing it up this Christmas? A friend of mine recently sent me a list of the "Worst Holiday Gifts 2005," compiled by the website ShopInPrivate.com. My favorites? The Razorba Back Shaver (hint, hint, you're a Gorilla), Anal Bleaching Cream (who knew we should be concerned about the shade of this area?), and the how-to kit "Cross Dress for Success" (only if you want your lingerie stretched beyond all recognition).

Of course, the website also offers other gift items filed under various thought-provoking categories, including: "Products for Head Lice and Pubic Crabs," "Incontinence," "Cold Sore Treatments," "Male Sexual Performance" (or lack of it, I suppose), and the ever-popular "Products for Hemmroids." All great starts when you're searching for the perfect holiday gift!

My new philosophy is this: if you're going to get him a gift he'll hate, at least make it a funny gift he'll hate.

My top suggestions?

1) Make him a Trojan condom Christmas tree (think "what would Martha Stewart give Jenna Jameson?"). Take condoms, punch holes in the tops with safety pins, and hang them as ornaments. On the card? "Spread holiday cheer and nothing else." Nothing says Christmas like the promotion of safe sex!

2) Wrap up some Big Headed Boxers (yes, the company really named them that). With a tape measure on the fly, they claim that "everyone measures up." Apparently they didn't meet my ex-boyfriend. Big Headed also makes a Men's Safety Series with warning labels sewn onto the boxers, like "Caution: eye protection required" and "Safety First: Clean Up Spills." He'll love you for that!!

3) Slip "Man Delay: Premature Ejaculation cream" into his stocking. Sing him Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," but replace the words "you" with "not to fake an orgasm." Now he's feeling the holiday spirit!

4) Create customized postage yes, like, stamps for all those letters he mails with a photo of the two of you. Or, even better, just a photo of you!! Especially if you've only been dating for three weeks. (At Zazzle.com.)

5) Wrap up a copy of Congratulations on Your Divorce by Amy Botwinick for your questionably married boyfriend. Nothing like a little encouragement for those wayward rogues dragging their feet.

6) Tie a big red bow around The Flat-D (stands for flatulence deodorizer), "a high tech filter designed to defend against chemical warfare" which has the side benefit of defending against your man's gas. Truly the gift that keeps on giving!

7) If all else fails, grab The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy by Paul Coleman. Well, it's either that or a wrapped Tiffany's catalog with tabs on your "favorite rings." I think he'll prefer the latter.

Julia just bought a stocking that says "Dear Santa I can explain!" Next week is creatively awful gifts for the ladies. Suggestions? Email her at Julia@JuliaAllison.com