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The worst holiday gifts for your girl

BY JULIA ALLISON | Special to amNewYork

December 19, 2005

Women can find fault with pretty much any gift a man tries to give her even if it's wrapped in Tiffany's robin's egg blue ("I wanted PLATINUM, not GOLD!").

If she's going to hate/return your Christmas present anyway, why not at least make it entertaining? The following gifts you should only get your significant other if she has a fantastic sense of humor. But then again, if she doesn't and you're understandably looking to get rid of her these make great starts to an enormous fight!

The Insult Gift
1) Think lingerie is a safe bet? Try giving her the "Boob Job Bra." Nothing says "I love you" like insinuating that she needs a breast enlargement. (brastraps.com)

2) The Power Pilates Magic Circle and work-out DVD. Write on package: "New Year's Resolution #1: attack flabby inner thighs." Run. (powerpilates.com).

3) Laser Hair Removal. When you're tired of getting scratched by her stubbly legs, try a gift certificate for free sessions and just in case, note specific the parts of the body you'd like done: "bikini line, mustache, ankles." (advancedermatech.com)

The Gifts You're Giving Her So You Can Keep Them
1) A yearlong subscription to O'Neill Pub's "Beer & Burger of the Month" club. What woman wouldn't want a year of 2500 calorie dinners?! To confuse her, give with the Pilates DVD. (irishpubny.com)

2) A Nooka watch it's not one of those boring watches that, you know, actually have numbers on it. It's a new-fangled linear/graphic representation of time, which I don't understand and neither will she. But it looks really cool. And after she's done being confused, you can steal it from her. (nooka.com/buy)

3) The Marshmallow Launcher. Think water guns with marshmallows. Tell her she'll shoot her eye out and refuse to let her play with it. (thinkgeek.com)

Gifts to Confuse Her
1) Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. She'll spend at least four shrink sessions analyzing this gift. Is he saying you're too bitchy? Is he saying you should be MORE bitchy? Is he saying he's leaving you for that bitch at his office? WHAT IS HE SAYING WITH THIS GIFT???

2) A babydoll tee shirt that spells out "You Are Dumb" in ascii binary. Binary, for all you non-geeks, looks like a bunch of 0s and 1s. Of course, not everyone got an "A" in college computer science like me. Although I slept with the TA, so that could explain it. (thinkgeek.com)

3) What the Bleep Do We Know? by William Arntz. This says "You're just not smart enough for me." For an insult gift, just cross out "we" and write in "you."

Seriously?
1) Freebies from your work. Extra bonus points for those squishy balls printed with a bank name you got for opening a checking account.

2) A can opener, a bottle opener, or any kitchen appliance that can be easily bought at the local grocery store on Christmas eve.

3) Girls Gone Wild DVDs (actually, uh, that's on my list this year )

Julia just hopes Santa knows that asking for a "dentist appointment" wasn't a joke. Asking for calf implants, however, was. Email her Julia@JuliaAllison.com