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Facing the dreaded 'F' word: fiancée

By Daisy Carrington, amNewYork Deputy Features Editor | dcarrington@am-ny.com

September 25, 2007

According to many media outlets, marriage is a magical, beautiful thing that almost every woman wants. For the typical New York woman, however, the concept cause more anxiety than joy.

Sure the wedding planning can be stressful, but so can coming to terms with the idea that you are no longer an independent entity.

This, at least, is what journalist Kelly Bare found when she and her boyfriend got engaged. Bare, a web editor at the New Yorker, channeled her wedding jitters into a book: "The F Word: A Fiancée Shares Her Story, From 'I Will' to 'I Do'."

She talks to us about what's so scary about weddings and how to quell the fear.

Why did you decide to write this book?
I didn't really act set out to write the book. While I was working at Tango [a relationship magazine], I happened to get engaged, and I had a lot of crazy feelings about what was happening. I was a writer, and writers write to cope. I wrote a few essays about how I was feeling.

What is so scary about getting married?
You have this life, and then, bam, you're getting married. And it becomes a huge portion of you identity, if you let it. When else in your life do you take on a new title?

How did it feel for you to get engaged?
You think you love someone, and you're with them, and you know what that feels like. You think, "Of course I want to get married." Then it arrives, and you see the pressure and responsibility it comes with, and the scrutiny. It wasn't what I was expecting.

How do you advise women who might feel the same way to cope?
You can start neglecting your relationship and let the planning become the only thing that you and your fiancé interact about. It's very easy to let it creep in and take over. Try to take the long view, and don't just think, don't let your imagination stall on the wedding day.

Also, don't' beat yourself up if you find yourself feeling different than you thought you might. Take a break on wedding media. Overdosing on theknot.com is not a good thing.