Put-downs are the new pick-ups in New York bars

By Nicole Zerillo | Special to amNewYork

3:33 PM EDT, October 11, 2007

Putdowns are the new pick-up lines floating around Manhattan's nightlife scene.

In lieu of complimentary openers about a woman's "soulful eyes" or "great personality," some men now rely on variations of such tried-and-true lines, as "What weird hair color -- that isn't natural," "Oh, you look just like a hobbit," and the piece de resistance, "Nice nails. Acrylic?"

Such bizarre tactics are being employed by men using reverse psychology, gleaned from card-carrying pick-up professionals, who believe a little misdirection and subtle indicators of interest are better than a sweaty handshake and all-too-earnest introduction.

Arguably no more sophisticated than pulling a pig-tail in the third grade, negative attention-grabbers may not intend to harm the "target," but they are a technique, for which purveyors of the multi-million dollar seduction self-help business have become most infamous.

"This isn't sinister. It's [social] training wheels for men," said Neil Strauss, professional pick-up artist and author of "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists." "These techniques are about transforming overwhelming sexual energy into something more manageable and less threatening. . . Only the guys who don't get the game make people uncomfortable."

According to Strauss, a "neg," the term for these backhanded "compliments," is intended to simply open the lines of communication, as an ice breaker currying an immediate response, rather than a glazed over stare. Though, Strauss acknowledges, it's always a safer bet to open with a less aggressive tactic, like asking opinions on the TV show, "I Love New York."

A tease may be a tease, but what critics seem to dislike most about this approach is the calculated quality of an introduction, which often times launches into highly choreographed encounter, canned by seduction community instructors.

Nancy Plotkin, dating coach and founder of Cablight.com, acknowledges that "teasing can be amusing, [but] game-playing can put men in the position of focusing more on playing a role, than making a connection. Game playing is not something everyone is aware of, and definitely goes to a person's intentions and self-confidence. Such gimmicks are helpful, if only in the weeding out process."

Jim Sullivan, relationship expert and author of "Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance and Finding True Love" agrees, "There's a difference between flirting and cruising. The guys, using these dating techniques are actually working against themselves, because people always want to root for the underdog, the shy guy, who wants to make a connection, not the arrogant jerk."

Bottom line: know your audience, but realize it doesn't necessarily make a guy a bad person because he uses the game. Like anything else, making connections takes as much hard work as dumb luck He's just had a little help.