I know you've all missed my expert dating advice over the last couple of weeks. Sorry. Turns out I knocked up some girl several months back and she just had the kid. Little Matthew Hogan Jr. was born June 11, 2015, at 9:14 a.m.
Kidding, of course. I wear protection and so should you.
The first order of business: Finding a woman who can match wits with me. That's right, amNewYork is looking for a co-columnist to trade blows with me each week about various dating topics.
Personally, I don't think there's a woman out there who can keep up with yours truly. However, if you think you can handle it, if you think you're a dating expert, if you have an entertaining female perspective to counter my male perspective each week - well, then this is your shot.
I've gotten a lot of compliments over the last 25 columns, and I am eternally grateful for those. But I've also gotten my fair share of negative feedback like, "You're lower than scum" or "You're sexist" or "Blah blah blah." Whether you want to hear it or not, the only thing I am is accurate. I'm providing a unique view on what it's like to date in New York City. I'm a walking, step-by-step guide for both guys and gals to successfully - and safely - date in NYC. But women who find my writing "sexist" now have a chance to put me in my place.
If you're wondering whether or not you're right for this position, let me paint a picture of my ideal co-columnist: At least 5-foot-3, no kids, likes hockey, athletic build, nice butt, and I'm a sucker for brunettes. Wait, sorry - that's my ideal date.
Ideal co-columnist: Having gone on a lot of dates in NYC is a good start. Nobody wants to read a column written by an NYC virgin - metaphoric or literal. It's been my experience that people want to read about the juicy details. So make sure you're well versed in NYC dating and can cite examples when necessary.
Another big requirement: a sense of humor. If you couldn't tell, a lot of what I write is tongue in cheek. If you can't differentiate between serious and comedic, it means you're wound a little too tightly and this column isn't for you.
You don't have to be single to be my co-columnist. If you're in a relationship, good for you. It just means you've successfully navigated the dating game and found a guy who can tolerate you for more than five seconds at a time. Having said that, I'm pretty sure Carrie Bradshaw was single in that awful "Sex and the City" show, so it would probably help your cause to follow in suit. I've honestly never watched. I never got it.
A writing history would be great, too. Proper grammar, knowing the difference between "your" and "you're," things of that ilk. This isn't as important as the others. Any idiot can learn how to write. There's a reason I was an English major in college.
That's really all there is to it. If you're interested, send an email to amNYdating@gmail.com with the subject "Co-columnist application." Include your dating history, three lingerie pics and why you think you'd be good for the position.
P.S. - All you need to send is the last of those three (remember, tongue in cheek).
P.P.S. - If you're still interested in sending lingerie pics, direct message me on Instagram: BulkHogan8.
Head to amNY.com/dating every Friday for Matthew's latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, or to apply to be amNewYork's female columnist, email firstname.lastname@example.org. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.