Before I get started — and I’m probably going to regret this — I’d like to formally open up a Q&A from my readers for a future column.
Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll pick the best ones to answer in a future column in the next couple of weeks. These are all anonymous, so don’t worry about leaving a name.
Ask for advice or feel free to ask me about my dating/personal life — I’ll answer anything.
While we’re on the subject of questions, this week I’m going to discuss the stupid questions I get asked most often when I’m talking to girls via Tinder or other online dating apps.
These questions are, generally speaking, a waste of my time — yet I get them at least once a week.
Hey What’s Up?
What is this, AOL Instant Messenger circa 1998? Find a better way to open a conversation (Hint: Check out my column on good openers).
If a girl starts by messaging me this, she’s going to get ridiculous answers from me. This has actually worked out for me in the past because I stop caring about what I say and the girl thinks I’m being funny, which leads to a date (I don’t get girls sometimes).
“Hey, what’s up?” What am I supposed to do with that? “Not much u?” Real intriguing conversation we’ve got going.
Or how about some brutal honesty? “Eh, nothing really. I’m 28 years old and I’m unhappy with what I’ve done with my life to this point. I also drink too much but that’s where I get a lot of my wit and charm, so it’s a double-edged sword. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment, just sex, because I have dependency issues. How about you?”
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Find a new opener.
Compliment my guns or my perfectly symmetrical nose (some girl told me that once), but enough with the “Hey, what’s up?”
FYI: Everything I wrote in the brutal honestly section isn’t true ... maybe the drinking thing is.
Are You a Murderer?
A lot of people are surprised to hear that I try and get girls to meet me at my apartment for a first date and then go to a bar afterwards. By doing this, they see I have a nice place and that I’m not a complete psychopath. It also almost assures me that I can get them back later if I got them there before — sometimes we don’t even leave for the bar.
People are even more surprised to hear that 95 percent the girls I ask to meet me at my apartment beforehand actually show up.
My own mother — fearing for these girls’ very lives — even asked, “How stupid are they?”
I don’t think my mom’s comment was directed at me, just in general about stupidity with online dating.
To be fair, a few of the girls have questioned my motives. They’ve said something to the effect of, “I don’t know. Are you a murderer or something?”
Yes, because if I am in fact a serial murderer or rapist, I plan on having an open dialogue about it ahead of time — you know, just in case that’s not your thing.
Bottom line, girls: use your heads. If you think something sounds questionable, don’t do it. It might hurt my game a little, but I don’t want to start reading about the serial killing “Tinder Terrorizer” on the front pages of amNewYork any time soon.
Why Are You on Here?
This is the most popular question I come across. It’s also the sign of an online dating rookie who doesn’t know how to proceed with a conversation and makes it much easier for me to identify my prey ... uh, I mean, makes it much easier for me to ask you out on a date.
I understand the need to know what the other person’s end game is — fun, relationship, etc. — but there are better ways to go about it.
Try and read the vibe the other person is giving off. Most of the time, I can tell right away what the other girl wants and why she’s on Tinder.
If you go on a date and you still can’t get a feel, then hint at what it is you’re looking for.
But if I get “Why are you on here?” one more time, then the answer to stupid question No. 2 is quickly changing to a “yes.”
Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew's latest column, and check out amny.com/dating to see previous columns. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at email@example.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.