I’ve been fairly positive over the course of the last 10 weeks in regards to my advice and stories from the Tinder realm. However, the more and more I use Tinder, the more aggravation I deal with from you women. I think it’s only fair that I get one week to bitch and moan about things that “grind my gears,” to quote "Family Guy’s" Peter Griffin.
While I’ll be speaking about the following pet peeves from my perspective as a man looking for women, most of them are universal (except for one of them).
I’m not sure what the ratio is, but I see a lot of girls who include at least one baby photo in their profile. See the photo I’ve used for this column as an example. Yes, I was the Devil for Halloween at age 2 – eerie foreshadowing. That’s just an example. I don’t actually use that photo on Tinder. I don’t understand why people use photos of themselves as kids. I’m not a pedophile and I don’t work with the Catholic Church. I don’t care if you were cute as a kid. I care what you look like present day. If you want to show me baby photos once we get a little more serious, that’s fine. Otherwise, knock it off.
Put yourself in my shoes as I scroll through your first five photos and it’s nothing but group shots of hot girls. Then I get to your last photo and it’s a solo shot of you. Turns out you were the girl hiding on the side in all of the group shots and you look like Swamp Thing. You did that on purpose and it’s wrong. The only one you’re deceiving is yourself – that’s pretty deep, right? FYI: I’ve acknowledged my shallow nature multiple times. It’s one of my finer qualities.
If we matched and I send you a message, answer me. You obviously found me physically attractive, so what’s your reason for not answering me? And if you’re not interested anymore, say that. I can’t preach this “honesty” thing enough. Don’t waste my time when I could be spending it on other girls.
I don’t want to see pictures of just your face. Show me the whole package. If there are five close-ups of your face I can only assume you’re hiding something – a potential pregnancy, a missing limb, Hillary Clinton cankles, etc. Again, if you can’t be comfortable with yourself, how do you expect me to be? So let’s see everything you have to offer and then I can fully judge you... based on looks, at least.
Am I a clown?
“I just downloaded Tinder because it’s hilarious.” I’ve seen some variation of this dozens of times. I understand, probably better than most, that Tinder is a funny place. If a girl has it written in her profile, at least it saves me some time. But I get incredibly annoyed when we actually talk and then she goes “Oh, I just downloaded this app because I thought it was funny.” Funny how? Like I’m a clown? I amuse you? Sorry, just channeling my inner Joe Pesci. Again, don’t waste my time.
We’ve gone out on our first date. Whether it’s a bar or a restaurant, it doesn’t matter – when the check comes, do me a favor and offer to pay. Unless the date was awful, I’m not actually going to let you pay, but it’s the offer I care about. Women’s rights is a big issue nowadays. You want to be viewed as equals? It starts with picking up the occasional tab. Equal rights or free drinks? No, you can’t have both.
Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew's latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.