The 2013 New York City mayoral campaign has inspired me to announce the biggest career move of my life. I've decided to go into office politics.
Granted, I've never participated in office politics. I've never taken a stand on our dress code, nor brought glazed doughnuts to our brainstorming sessions.
I've won only one election in my life -- as high school class clown. When it came to office politics, I've always agreed with movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn. "Gentleman," he reportedly said once about a pending deal, "include me out."
Hey, this concept of possessing experience relevant to the job at hand just bogs us down in technicalities.
Granted, I have my critics at the office. They harp on how I originally termed the Great Recession a fad. They call me a naysayer -- to which I respond, "No, no, no, a thousand times no." They even keep demanding that I define myself. But I say let's leave definitions to the dictionary.
Still, I'm qualified to go into office politics. For starters, I'm middle-aged and bald. Ergo, my main messages will resonate with those coveted demographics.
Equally valuable, I'm committed to corporate excellence. For example, I've scanned our company guidelines at least twice. I've even memorized our vacation policies and holiday schedules. Consider me, then, the very definition of firebrand insurgency.
Oh, I hear what our administration says. Our office is doing great. We're making all our numbers, including the odd ones. And apparently the practice of managers smiling at colleagues in cubicles is up 45 percent over last year.
But we can do better. And that's why I'm advocating certain reforms.
Performance reviews that consist exclusively of praise so over the top it actually embarrasses you.
Banning all timepieces so that workdays end according to your mood, even if you just started at your desk an hour earlier.
Setting up bike lanes and pedestrian malls in all hallways and bathrooms.
Securing our corner offices against the threatening influx of undocumented senior vice presidents.
That's why, even though I'm pursuing no particular position, I'd like your vote, as a courtesy. So please come to my spontaneous campaign rally Tuesday at noon. I'll be by the door passing out glazed doughnuts.