New Dating Column: Meet-the-parents date usually a deal breaker

By Maura Kelly | amNewYork Dating Columnist

March 14, 2008

The scenario: You recently started dating someone -- and your parents are coming to town.

Is it time for a meet-and-greet? "Only if you're seriously committed to the relationship and want to keep moving forward," says my friend Mike, a 23-year-old legislative assistant. "Otherwise, it could come back to haunt you."

He's right: Inviting the person you're sleeping with to a family outing sends the signal that you're feeling committed -- and if you're not, even a casual dinner out with the family might be dangerous for two different reasons. The first: You could freak out your love-bunny, like my 37-year-old friend, Ali, learned.

She'd been seeing a guy for nearly two months when she asked him to have dinner with her stepfather who came to town unexpectedly.

Since his trip happened to be on the same night she'd been planning to see her new dude, she didn't think double-booking was a big deal. But her guy bolted a week later -- citing the meal with Step-Pappy as evidence that Ali felt far more serious about their situation than he did.

On the other end of the spectrum, you could create false expectations. For instance, consider what happened when a guy I'd been dating for three months asked me to spend the entire weekend with his parental units, who were visiting from a few thousand miles away. I was sure it was a huge step -- and that he'd tell me he loved me once we put them in a cab to the airport. Instead, he gave me the heave-ho shortly after.

"Why the hell did you introduce me to your family if you were planning to do this?" I asked. He looked confused. "I just thought it would be weird if they were here and I didn't ask you to meet them. Besides, I always like to have someone act as a buffer when my mother and her husband are around." (Glad I could help out. Really.)

That ex could take a lesson from a young professor I dated recently. The precocious academic and I had been hanging out for four weeks when the people responsible for spawning him passed through town. I was shocked when he didn't invite me to dine with them; after all, he and I were so into each other!

When I mentioned I was hurt, he put both arms around me and said, "I'm sorry. But I thought having you there would be symbolic in a way I'm not sure is appropriate yet." I immediately realized how reasonable that was -- and liked him and trusted him all the more because he'd been so honest.

Good communication is always the key to making things work. So, thank Buddha, it's (usually) easier to converse rationally with your lamb chop than with those weirdos who gave you their DNA.

Got a "Meet the Parents" -- style story you want to share? E-mail our editor at kmiller@am-ny.com.

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