Do you have relationship bulimia?

By Maura Kelly | amNewYork Dating Columnist

March 14, 2008

A frightening new illness is sweeping the nation (or at least my corner of New York).

Despite its name, "relationship bulimia" afflicts males more than females -- although it's difficult to diagnose, since a man with this problem never appears sick to the naked eye.

Instead, he comes off as so healthy, attractive and sane that it makes his problem all the more insidious. He will characteristically binge on the company and affection of an unsuspecting woman, who, understandably, thinks the dude is gearing up for a long-term relationship.

After all, he's showing the typical signs of wanting one: He stops dating other people; he spends multiple nights of the week with her; he calls her his girlfriend.

But after a month or two -- three, tops -- the boyfriend-alimic abruptly dumps his insta-GF like (regurgitated) chopped liver. Why? He claims she just didn't seem right. That's because the boyfriend-alimic has a self-image problem: Nobody ever looks good enough on his arm.

Unfortunately, a very close friend of mine -- a 32-year-old man we'll call Bill Heemia -- has one of the worst cases I've ever seen. He ramps things up so fast that within the course of a couple weeks, his toothbrush is in her medicine cabinet. (Unlike traditional bulimia, the relationship variety does not necessarily lead to dental rot.)

Rather than try to keep his behavior a secret from everyone in his life, he wastes no time getting his new woman acquainted with his closest friends -- and often, even his family members. I've attended such meet-and-greets; I've seen the hope in the eyes of his latest victim; and I've wanted to say; "Running, Little Red Riding Hood, run, before this wolf eats you alive!"

But she'd never believe me -- not when Bill gives her no indication that he's anything but head-over-Pumas.

Another pal (and relationship bulimic) acknowledges he has a problem. "You can get sucked in if a girl has a lot of outward appeal and the sex is great," he said. "But that works only up to a point if there's no glue to hold it together as a real relationship."

The solution for his ailment, he says, is to take time at the beginning of a relationship to ask whether he'd still be with the person, even if he couldn't have sex with her. (Not that he takes his own advice or anything.)

But, back to Bill: I've considered imposing some kind of personal sanctions on him until he promises to change his ways (and see a shrink); maybe I could refrain from calling him or refuse to see him? Except I don't think that would get him to change.

What would? "Meeting 'The One'," Bill tells me. "This cycle isn't about some personal compulsion. It's about fate."

Maybe so. But if you ask me, Bill's vision is so disordered by an underlying case of commitment-phobia that he'll never be able to see any woman for what she really is --even if she happens to be the love of his life. And until he clues in, he'll keep on breaking hearts. Including his own.

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