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Kiss and tell: To commit or not to commit

Maura Kelly

5:16 PM EDT, May 22, 2008

After spending years on my therapist's couch wondering why I was never in a healthy relationship, I figured out I had a garden-variety case of commitment-phobia: I was always rejecting guys who cared about me -- without even considering them as serious contenders -- or else pining away for bad boys.

Shortly after vowing to change my ways, I met a guy I'll call Adam. He was handsome, funny, brilliant ... and yet, for some strange reason, I didn't feel the burning in my loins for him. Maybe it had to do with the fact he was off-limits according to my new rules of behavior: He was simultaneously dating three women when I met him, and therefore seemed to be a fellow commitment-phobe. Still, there was no reason not to become best friends with him, so that's what I did.

Then, one spring night, after drinks, we ended up in his apartment for the first time -- and he kissed me.

I backed away, shocked. "Why'd you do that?"

"I've thought about this a lot," he said. "I want to give us a try."

Don't you dare! my gut shouted.

But my brain told my gut to shut up. Maybe the only reason Adam had never committed before was because he'd never found the "right" chick. And maybe I was the one! Maybe this was the way out of my dilemma!

So I jumped in with both feet.

Guess what happened next: A few months later, Adam dumped me. He said a certain je ne sais quoi was missing. I couldn't argue with that -- but, still, I sobbed in his arms. What had gone wrong? This time commitment-phobia couldn't be the problem -- could it? Not when I'd legitimately given it a shot.

After weeks of analyzing the situation (with my therapist, my friends, and -- most crucially -- my laser hair-removal technician), I saw that I'd been so determined to avoid an old, bad pattern that I'd developed a new one: Instead of running away from relationships, I'd tried to force one that had been doomed from the start. For whatever peculiar reason, Adam and I really didn't have chemistry.

Luckily, there was one thing I knew without needing to analyze it: I missed Adam. In fact, I'd been missing his friendship ever since we'd started dating. So after a few months passed, I was getting a haircut near his office when I texted him on a whim, asking if he was up for a drink. He was game ... and one thing led to another ... and now we're better friends than we were before.

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