Trade up from 'friendship with benefits'

By Maura Kelley | amNewYork Dating Columnist

June 6, 2008

It's high time that we single people looking for legitimate love unionized against the pseudo-relationship.

Call it what you will: a friendship with benefits, a no-strings-attached fling or a trusty weekend booty call. But I can't call it anything but a raw deal.

Sure, you're both getting screwed, but only one of you is getting screwed over.

Or, as my 25-year-old friend Zac puts it: "There's always a hierarchy in those situations. The lover who's lower on the totem pole likes the other person more, and is convinced something serious is going to develop. Otherwise, he or she thinks, why would you-know-who spend so much time with me?"

That person -- which I'll call the Paramour -- often clings to romantic hopes in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. In fact, the dominant partner (aka the Dom Juan) will often state repeatedly that he or she is holding out for someone different -- an old flame, someone with more in common, an underwear model with a Harvard education.

Other Doms only send subtle signs -- never making plans until the last minute, talking about other love interests. They never call to just say hello.

Zac, who has experience as both a Dom and a Paramour, points out another tell-tale tactic: "If the dominator works at your office or is in your wider friend group and never acknowledges the sexual side of your relationship in public -- or in sobriety -- it's a dead-end."

What's a Paramour to do? The first step: Admit you have a problem, that your pseudo-relationship is going nowhere. Then realize you deserve better and that the clock is ticking. The longer you stay with Dom, the less time (and head space) you'll have to meet someone else. Finally, you've just got to dump the person.

"Rip off that dirty band-aid," says my other friend, Zack, 33. "It'll hurt, but hang tough."

Getting a little air on the wound will make it heal all the sooner, so that before you know it, you'll be with someone who understands that you're no Paramour. You're paramount.

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