It's Inauguration Day. President-elect Donald Trump will raise his hand, recite the oath of office and become President Donald Trump.
At home, consider raising a glass and swearing a different oath: to faithfully execute our Inauguration Day drinking game and to the best of your ability preserve, protect and defend your booze supply.
Maybe you're planning to duck out of work for awhile to watch the ceremony. Maybe you're going to call in sick, or you've taken a personal day. Maybe you genuinely want to toast the new president while getting toasted, or you need to cry quietly into your beer. We won't judge you.
Sure, it'll be noon ... but it's a Friday. And we declare drinking at noon to be acceptable on Fridays, especially on a Friday when -- let's face it -- you're not going to get any real work done anyway.
If you're not sure what to drink, consider Russian vodka or, for a lower-alcohol option, an orange-tinged classic: the Aperol spritz.
Here are our rules:
- If Trump talks about "unity" and/or promises to be a president for all Americans, drink.
- If Trump says "build the wall," drink a shot of tequila and make Mexico pay for it.
- If Trump calls anyone a loser, a failure, a pile of garbage, crooked, lying, low-energy or sad!, drink.
- If outgoing Vice President Joe Biden plays air guitar during any of the performances, drink.
- If Trump addresses outgoing President Barack Obama with a "You're fired," drink.
- If Chief Justice John Roberts flubs the oath -- again -- drink.
- If anyone says the phrase "fake news," drink.
- If Trump mentions Vladimir Putin, drink Russian vodka.
- If Hillary Clinton is caught rolling her eyes on camera, drink.
- If Barron looks bored, drink.
- If Trump forgets to thank his daughter Tiffany with all his other kids, drink.
- When the Rockettes launch into the high-kicks, drink.
- If anyone mentions the FBI, drink.
- If Trump wine and taco bowls are on the Inaugural Ball menu, drink.
- Take a drink for each of the four "ruffles and flourishes" that precede the playing of "Hail to the Chief."
- If Trump adds "and also make America great again" to the end of his oath, finish your drink.
- If Trump points out how big his hands look while on the Bible or raised for the oath, chug.
- In honor of the peaceful transfer of democratic power, drink some water, take an aspirin or two and sleep it off.