On Sunday, Donald Trump will try to rectify his lackluster performance at the first presidential debate.
Of course, it wasn’t Trump’s fault. “They . . . gave me a defective mic!” Trump complained to reporters. “I wonder, was that on purpose?”
He might be on to something — there were some issues with his microphone. Indeed, the word-salad coming from his lips could only be caused by a technical glitch, or yes, sabotage!
Like a possessed ventriloquist’s dummy, the distorted mic spewed all kinds of nonsense Trump couldn’t possibly have meant to say. For example, when discussing the taxes that pay for the military, roads and health care, his statement that good citizens pay their taxes came out sounding like not paying taxes “makes me smart.”
When he expressed sympathy for the millions of Americans who lost their homes when the housing bubble burst, it sounded like he was happy about it because he could profit from their misery.
And when he talked about the Islamic State, which has existed for years, it sounded like he was saying Hillary Clinton has been fighting ISIS her “entire adult life,” which is about half a century. Bad mic!
But that’s not all.
The microphone started making him sound nearly illiterate. When Trump said, “I’m going to cut taxes bigly,” many wondered whether that’s even a real word. But his son Eric helpfully explained that his dad said he will cut taxes “big league,” not “bigly.”
Once again, bad, bad mic! How bad? A “hot mic” usually means it’s on, but not at the last debate. Trump’s mic was literally hot, making the poor guy sniffle, sweat bullets and consume gallons of water.
Who would do such a thing? Who knows? It might have been the mysterious 400-pound man lying in bed that Trump said during the last debate might have hacked the Democratic National Committee.
So if you see an obese gentleman lurking around the stage on Sunday with what looks like either a mic or a meatball sandwich tucked under his arm, and it’s not Chris Christie, you’ll realize that, despite what many, many people are telling me, Trump is definitely not paranoid.
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.