My friend the Brooklyn genie, who sleeps all year in a magic lamp on the Coney Island beach, emerges again to make his annual predictions — and he’s got some doozies for 2017.
Jan. 20: Donald Trump is sworn in as our 45th president. Inaugural ball entertainment is provided by Kanye West and Ted Nugent, who harmonize on “Ebony and Ivory” before getting into a fistfight and being dragged out by the Secret Service.
Feb. 2: Visiting Staten Island on Groundhog Day, Mayor Bill de Blasio flashes a “thumbs up” when told that he has no credible opponent in the 2017 mayoral race. Meanwhile, groundhog Staten Island Chuck Jr. avenges the demise of Staten Island Charlotte (who died after de Blasio dropped her on her head) by chomping on the mayor’s extended thumb.
March 11: Responding to Trump’s Twitter attacks for his devastating impression of the president on “Saturday Night Live,” Alec Baldwin says he’ll run for president on the Democratic ticket against Trump in 2020 — and will campaign wearing the blond wig.
April 18: The administration reveals the last prisoners were moved out of Guantánamo Bay. And, Trump Kids Inc. says it will be turning Gitmo into a “fabulous, world-class resort — the best!” Trump says he was “surprised and delighted when my children told me about it this morning.”
June 4: A Saudi prince visiting the White House buys $3 million worth of bangles from the Ivanka Trump jewelry collection. Trump growls at the perception that the prince is buying influence: “He just knows great jewelry when he sees it. The best!”
July 8: Former NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly enters the mayoral race, using the slogan “Thumbs Down on de Blasio!”
Aug. 21: The world braces for the first total solar eclipse since 1979. When it again gets light, we discover Trump left the White House, tweeting “Who needs this aggravation? Good luck, Mike!”
Aug. 22: Mike Pence is sworn in as our 46th president.
Nov. 7: Ray Kelly is elected NYC mayor. De Blasio consoles himself with a lovely carriage horse ride around Central Park.
Happy New Year, and good luck to us all!
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.