There are naked women in Times Square.
There. Are. Naked. Women. In. Times. Square!
Call out the National Guard — if you love them. They need to see this, too.
Naked is a slight exaggeration, truth be told. These voluptuous creatures are only virtually naked, really. They’re wearing teensy-tiny G-strings, and they’re slathered in paint so you can hardly see anything at all.
But tourists are appalled by the spectacle. You can tell because they gather around by the thousands to make sure. You have to get a good, close snapshot to pass proper judgment, I’ve heard some of the men say.
I can see that.
Crisis-action rivals Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Mayor Bill de Blasio are falling all over each other to find some law the models are breaking, so anxious are they to haul the women away.
De Blasio scored first this time with a bold idea: Sacrifice Times Square itself. Perhaps rip out its plazas by the roots to fend off the Invasion of the Areola. If it moves to Central Park, tear that out, too. Nipples are that dangerous.
If we don’t stop them now, who knows what could happen. We could see the return of streaking by year’s end. Streaking! (Apologies to all those who had successfully repressed the 1970s.)
But seriously, does anyone know why this is suddenly such a pressing issue? Times Square’s painted ladies aren’t even that new. I saw my first one a couple of years ago while driving with my young daughter.
“Look! That lady is naked! She can’t do that,” I shouted a little too excitedly and all at once into the backseat.
My 7-year-old was mildly interested at best, which was good in retrospect. She otherwise might have asked the dreaded question: “Why?” — as in, “Why can’t painted girls walk around Times Square naked?”
Or worse, “Why can’t people walk around naked, period?”
“Well, because you just can’t,” I’d have been forced to answer.
The real answer, of course, is because anarchy is always looming, as New York City already has learned, and you have to nip it in the bud, if you’ll excuse the expression.
But until then, I just have to say, isn’t this marvelous?
