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Setting: McCain’s Memorial Day Party

(Credit: Politirazzi)

(AP)

By Jeff

At the adult table (as always) is the Republican Illuminati of James Baker, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, a picture of baby Jesus and George W. Bush in his rocketship seat. At the kids table is all the people who may potentially be vice presidential candidates: Bobby Jindal, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Charlie Crist and Tim Pawlenty.

Poppa Bush says, “Alright men, while McCain’s back at the grill we need to determine — Dick, quit eating that puppy carcass for a second, this is important — by the end of this day, we’re going to decide who is assigned as vice presidential nominee. Rove, go.”

“Well, it really needs to be someone young and energizing to fight the Obamania factor, and someone with a strong conservative record to placate the core Gays/Guns/God crowd that doesn’t think McCain is conservative enough” as Karl looks over while Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee arm wrestle to see who gets to say grace. “It would also be ideal to get someone who could help us carry some swing states.”

Baker butts in, “I think we should start excluding some guys. We’ll get Florida even if Crist isn’t on the ticket — I made sure of that last time — plus he’s got white hair, and we’ve already got one of them. Huckabee is a nice guy, and I’m really impressed with his weight loss, but is it just me, or does he come off as a bit crazy? When he tries to be funny, it just kind of creeps me out. Liability.”

(continued) “I really like Pawlenty,” says Dick Cheney. “He could help us in Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. And if we win those 37 votes, the race is over. But he’s also been very public that he’s going to finish out his term, and we can’t have his first act on the ticket being breaking a promise. So I think we need to exclude him.”

“So then,” George H.W. interjects, “It’s down to Romney and Jindal.” Jindal is super conservative for all the hardliners, but he’s also got the same cadence as Obama. He probably won’t help us win any specific states, but he’s a future star. At a minimum, we need to give him the keynote at the convention. Romney is real polished and young, very conservative, reminds me of Clinton in that he’ll say and do anything to get elected, and was a great team player dropping out of the race so early. They’ve both got their good qualities; let’s get them both over here and ask them some specifics. Georgie, bring them over here.”

G.W. starts walking over to get Romney and Jindal, and he sees someone running toward him, “Wait, wait, Mr. President, wait for me!” “Condi, is that you?” Condoleezza Rice reaches the president just as he’s putting his arm on Mitt Romney, “What’s going on?” She asks breathlessly. “Well, Condi, we’ve got the V.P. nomination narrowed down to two, and we were just about ask Mitt and Bob —” SMASH! Condi Rice grabs a folding chair and levels Mitt Romney and Bobby Jindal from behind, knocking them out cold. She leans over, and pulls of a mask revealing it’s really … HILLARY CLINTON!

“I’m getting back into the White House one way or another. If Democrats aren’t going to appoint me president, than I’m going to prevent them from winning. I deserve this. I’ll jump ship and join McCain, and we can take over the world, MWAH HA HA!!!”

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