Figueroa-Levin: Hey, hipsters, get over yourselves
There's a sickness going around New York City. It's mostly in Manhattan and Brooklyn, but cases have been seen in Queens, the Bronx and even Staten Island.
Symptoms include a compulsion to wear glasses when they aren't needed to correct vision, a desire to wear knitted hats even when the weather is warm, and the adoption of fashion trends from the Victorian era, all for the sake of irony.
People suffering from this ailment are called hipsters.
They're slowly taking over the city like zombies. Have you ever had a conversation with one? After a few minutes you'll be lurking around the city begging for brains.
You know the type -- they have poor leg circulation due to super-tight jeans, drink hand-pressed cider made by people who left corporate jobs to hand-press cider, and listen to bands "nobody has ever heard of."
I wear glasses. I need glasses. If I wore a hearing aid without needing one people would think I'm a crazy attention fiend.
It wouldn't be so infuriating if hipsters weren't so smug about their obscure style, food and music tastes. Dressing like Sherlock Holmes on acid and listening to the experimental wind chime folk music that you "discovered" is fine -- but it doesn't somehow make you better than everyone else. All hipsters seem to do is consume. Why not try contributing something to our culture, instead of just pretending you're above it?
And what's with the Civil War-era facial hair? It was the Gettysburg address, not the Williamsburg address. Enough mustache wax, already. You look like you should be in a home for the chronically ironic.
I would like to propose a colony just for hipsters: Park Slope. Yes, I'm prepared to give up that neighborhood for the sake of the city. Many hipsters are there already, and listen, the rest of you: You'll like it. There's a food co-op, bars with beer made by Two Blind Monks, and children with names like Ebenezer and Sage-Boheme. You can wear $300 T-shirts, scowl at people all day, and not worry about ruining New York for the rest of us. Just go and stay there.
P.S. You know why no one has ever heard of that band? Because it's awful.