TODAY'S PAPER

Trump puts Google on notice

Logos of Google displayed on computer screens. / AFP/Getty Images / LOIC VENANCE

Dear Google:

I am getting so sick of Googling myself and seeing negative, nasty news and remarks. You are RIGGED! You love the left, hate me and all conservatives, and report FAKE NEWS! I want to launch an investigation of you guys, and if it besmirches the reputation of another thriving American company in the process (I’m also talking to you, Amazon and Harley-Davidson), so be it!

Google “Trump News,” and what pops up? “Another former Trump official found guilty!” Almost every day now. Negative! I recently Googled “Trump, McCain,” and you know what came up first on your search engine? “Trump lowers White House flag to half staff, then raises it, then lowers it again before McCain is even buried.” How dare you make me look so small, petty and incoherent!

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And my fellow Americans believe their very stable genius president. They’ve, tried it themselves. Google “Trump, Putin,” or “Trump, Entertainment Tonight,” or “Trump, Trump University.” Negative, negative, negative! Some of you Googlites even asked whether I understand how your search engine works. You don’t have to be a very stable genius like me to understand that every time you Google my name on almost any subject, some nasty, petty or ignorant remark I supposedly said or tweeted magically appears.

Go on, try it. Google “Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions.” What comes up first? Trump calls Jeff Sessions a retarded southerner! I rest my case.

I find your statement responding to my claim laughable: “Search is not used to set a political agenda, and we don’t bias our results toward any political ideology?” LOL! You want me to believe that you use objective “algorithms” to establish a “PageRank” formula? Please! First of all, these aren’t “pages” — Google isn’t a newspaper or magazine. So sad that you don’t know that! Now you claim “PageRank” was named after your CEO and co-founder Larry Page? How stupid do you think I am?

And your sacred “algorithms?” Nice try, Google. Let’s examine that word carefully. What are its first letters? Right, Al Gore! (OK, Al Gor) — the liberal Democrat who invented the internet! I’m supposed to trust him?

Sorry Google, it’s not me that’s biased and dishonorable. It’s you!

Your very stable genius president,

Donald J. Trump

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Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.