What every mom should know about burn out and mental load

Over the years, I’ve talked to countless moms on a variety of subjects, and of course, family, friends, and neighbors, and there is one running theme through it all: moms are mentally exhausted. Before most of us get out of bed (or before we fall asleep), we are mentally checking off what needs to be done, and probably continuing it in the shower, on our commutes, or anytime our minds aren’t occupied.

We’re keeping track of everything and everyone, even when technically off, the schedules, meals, school emails, stuff no one sees. As every NYC mom can attest, this constant mental checking off is not only exhausting but can quickly become overwhelming … and where was it ever written that we have to do it all… all the time?

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and like everyone else knows how to make it work except for you, know this: that is the furthest thing from the truth. That’s the running script in many moms’ heads, that we aren’t doing enough when in reality, we’re likely doing too much.

In this candid Q&A, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a NYC-based neuropsychologist and the Director of Comprehend the Mind, discusses why so many moms feel burned out, how chronic mental overload affects the nervous system, and why being told to just learn to manage stress better misses the point.

People talk a lot about the mental load, but how does it actually show up day to day for moms? And why does so much of it still fall on them?

For many moms, the mental load feels like an endless to-do list running in the background of their mind. They’re tracking schedules, school messages, meals, and everything the household needs. Even when nothing is actively occurring, their brain never really shuts down. The mother is typically the go-to person in the household. Much of what she does is “behind the scenes” so sometimes is goes without praise or recognition.

When a mom is constantly planning, remembering, and anticipating everyone else’s needs, what does that do to her mental and emotional health over time? It becomes a draining cycle because it’s a mental juggling act that doesn’t leave much room for margin of error. If a 7-year-old isn’t picked up on time and is left standing in the cold, that’s a major consequence. As time goes by, this saps the nervous system and can lead to irritability, stress, anxiety, having trouble sleeping or staying asleep, headaches, and fatigue. In the long run, this ongoing stress can increase the risk of burnout and emotional fatigue.

A lot of advice tells moms to cope better or manage stress differently. From your perspective, are moms actually doing something wrong, or are they burning out because the system around them isn’t set up to support them?

Most moms aren’t doing anything wrong, rather they feel burned out because they’re carrying an unrealistic amount of responsibility in a system that expects them to absorb it quietly. With so many mothers working full time jobs, and being single parents you have legitimate issues that present stress even for the most resilient women.

Telling people to “handle stress better” doesn’t account for the unseen work moms do every day. When childcare, work demands, household tasks, and emotional support all fall on one person, it can become stressful. It’s hard to cope your way out of a structural problem. Many moms are actually incredibly resilient, just stretched far past a reasonable limit. What’s really needed is more shared responsibility, flexibility, and real support, not better stress hacks.

When a mom has to constantly ask or remind her partner to help at home, how does that impact how close and supported she feels? And what does it do to a relationship when one partner has to manage and remind the other about basic household tasks?

A mom who has to nag or repeatedly request her partner’s involvement in order to feel supported is often feeling unsupported. She may slowly begin to feel more like the boss than the partner, which can be emotionally exhausting. Requesting, asking, or reminding a partner to complete basic tasks can cause friction and resentment. It also increases the cognitive load on the mom, who has to notice a task needs to be done, remember to do something about it, and then offload it onto someone else. The relationship slowly becomes more like parent-child dynamic than a peer-to-peer partnership. The more that shift occurs, the more likely trust and intimacy are to suffer. In the end, both partners may feel disengaged, even while still loving one another.

So many moms say the constant news cycle just add to their stress. Is there a healthy way to stay informed without feeling overwhelmed, or is tuning out sometimes the healthier choice? One approach is to set specific times to check the news rather than scrolling all day. Pick one trusted news outlet to get your information from. If you find it’s becoming overwhelming because its causing anger, hurt, or stress, it’s time to tune out. Taking breaks lets your brain rest and keeps stress from piling up. The key is finding a balance that keeps you informed without consuming your mental energy.

We hear a lot about self-care, but what can really help lighten a mom’s mental load in meaningful, lasting ways?

Time off/ time to relax- Real time off means a mom can step away without worrying about what’s falling apart in her absence. This might look like spending time with her friends, going for a walk, or taking a bath without any interruptions. This can help the mom feel like she is getting a reset and actually help her be a more present parent and partner by making her feel more relaxed and in tune with herself.

Shared ownership, not “help”- Shared ownership means the father takes responsibility for half of the task without constantly being asked to do so. When chores and responsibilities are shared fairly, it feels less like she’s carrying the household alone. It also reduces frustration and tension between partners.

If there’s one mindset shift that could immediately ease guilt and pressure for overwhelmed moms, what would you want them to hear?

It is empowering to know that reaching out is not weak. It actually does take a village as has been said before. When you accept assistance, it strengthens the family dynamic because you can be more present mentally and emotionally. Nobody is measuring your worth by how many tasks you remember, carpools your drive, or cookies you bake. Learn to loosen the reins on yourself. Your family simply wants the best version of you.

This story first ran on our sister publication newyorkfamily.com.