What Loretta Lynch needs to say to be confirmed

I met President Barack Obama’s attorney general nominee, Loretta Lynch, one time. I was impressed that she was one of the least self-important important people I’ve ever met.

Although I was a prosecutor in the U.S. attorney’s office in the Eastern District — the office she now holds — I was staggered to read of her monumental achievements during the recent Senate confirmation hearings. I was not, however, surprised that I did not know of them because, unlike too many prosecutors, Lynch is a workhorse, not a show horse.

So why hasn’t this spectacular nominee sailed through the Senate? Simple. Her opening remarks during her confirmation hearings were apparently written by someone who never read “Sucking Up to Congress for Dummies.” Anyone following Lynch’s nomination knows that many congressional Republicans believe our Founding Fathers required that the Senate approve high-level executive appointments as a check against a president trying to stack his cabinet with people who believe in his policies.

Given that knowledge and knowing Democrats will support her no matter what, Lynch should have thrown some red meat into the congressional cage. Had she given the following speech, she would have been quickly confirmed.

First and foremost, I want to express my deep appreciation to the Muslim, Communist, American-hating tyrant who nominated me.

I want to assure you that if I could not be independent in this job, I would never have accepted it because I would not be able to express my outrage. My outrage is aimed at the president for his blatantly unconstitutional executive amnesty for those in the United States illegally. I would point out that many of them were demonstrating their disdain for our laws as early as age 2 by sneaking into this country illegally and bringing their parents with them. What did you expect from a president who is himself an illegal immigrant?

I also have taken the liberty of putting on your seats a copy of the amicus brief I filed with the Supreme Court for the upcoming Obamacare decision. The summary of my view is best captured in the headline for Point I, which says, “Obamacare Proves Obama Don’t Care.”

I know that many in Congress and the Senate are understandably concerned about the two very negative items in my resume. I would just remind you that, unlike homosexuality, being black and being a woman are not choices.

Do not forget that if you confirm me, I can do what even this powerful body could not do. That is, rid this country of that civil rights obsessed Attorney General Eric Holder, who, I might add, was born in the same Kenyan hospital as our president.

Last, I want to address a matter to Sen. Ted Cruz. I have done a great deal of research on the meaning of the undefined “natural born citizen” qualification for president found in the Constitution. I have concluded that the only requirement for being a natural born citizen is that the president be born in a foreign country with a father who, at the time, was a Canadian citizen. So, senator, you definitely qualify to run for president.

God bless America and God bless the Second Amendment — but not necessarily in that order.

Thank you for your kind attention.

David S. Gould is a practicing attorney and a former assistant U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of New York.