Material girls in an online dating world

I’ve had enough practice at this point that I can spot different types of girls from a mile away: Crazies, clingers, gold diggers, you name it — yeah, moms, too.

There are keywords I look for in Tinder profiles, along with types of pictures and poses that help identify girls in a certain manner. Conversations just help cement what I already knew. This isn’t opinion; this is E = mc2 math.

I have a huge sample size from Tinder — probably bigger than most (pun intended). That sample size has led me to some girls who I know I should avoid.

Sometimes I still go on the date despite knowing that the girl is bad news because — and call me old fashioned here — there’s a good possibility that I at least get some sex out of it.

But then again, sometimes I don’t go on the date, because some girls just aren’t worth the trouble.

I had a girl message me on Tinder for a couple of weeks straight. She instigated the original conversation and she kept it going. We’ll call her Kim in honor of Kim Kardashian, a similar airhead who is concerned only with material things.

I wasn’t crazy interested in Kim.

She posted a lot of selfies on Tinder every day, which gets old real quick. I also followed her on Instagram and it was double the amount of whatever she posted on Tinder. First caution flag is now being waved (that’s a rare NASCAR reference from me; apparently they wave caution flags when there’s a crash in that “sport” and drivers are supposed to slow down).

If you’re posting three to five selfies a day of you being at posh spots around the city, then you’re sending a very narcissistic, materialistic message. I guarantee most guys will only be interested in one thing from there on out because you’ve turned yourself into a walking punch line.

Kim also had a full novel for her profile describing herself. I was’t weirded out by “Love being in long relationships.” Plural. As in she likes the concept of being in long relationship after long relationship. That’s twisted. Let’s start waving another caution flag. Slow down drivers.

Despite my douchebagery (that’s not a real word, but Merriam-Webster needs to add it to the dictionary ASAP), Kim’s persistence showed that she probably just wanted to get it in. I’m OK with that. That’s where I shine.

When one of my dates fell through on a Friday, I quickly messaged Kim and asked if she wanted to meet up for drinks. Less than 10 minutes after I lost my original date, I had another one good to go.

An hour before we were supposed to meet up, she asked if I wanted to get food, too. I said I already ate, but if she wanted to get food wherever we went, that was fine.

A half hour later, she said, “Let’s go to Tao.” For those unfamiliar with Tao, it’s a fairly fancy, showy Asian restaurant/lounge that I probably wouldn’t even take my girlfriend of three years to, let alone a girl I’ve never met for a first date.

I told Kim to pick somewhere else… so she rattled off a couple of even more expensive spots.

I had a feeling all along, given her photos, that she was trying to get a lavish night out of it, so after a little more of an exchange, a third and final caution flag waved and I told her to forget it.

Kim’s response: “You’re too thirsty.” (That’s code that I’m clearly in it for sex.)

My response: “You’re too hungry.” (Possibly the best burn of my Tinder career)

Kim’s response after about a 10-minute pause: “You dress like you’re from the hood (she had followed me on Instagram) and you couldn’t afford a woman like me.”

Sticks and stones, Kim. Sticks and stones.

First off, I’m probably the least “hood” person you’ll meet.

Secondly, I’m not sure what the rest of you ladies think about Kim’s response, but I felt I didn’t have to answer again because she did a great job of making herself look bad.

“You couldn’t afford a woman like me” isn’t sending the same message she thinks it is. Girls, if your biggest concerns are material, I promise no man will ever take you seriously.

If you’re good looking enough, a man might keep you around and feed your metaphorical appetite, but that’s about it. And no girl is that good looking, except Margot Robbie from “The Wolf of Wall Street.” She can be as materialistic as she wants; I’d still do unspeakable things to see her naked.

Also, being the dating guru I am, I had a fallback for Kim who stayed over after I met her for drinks at 3 a.m. Like Charlie Sheen circa 2009 (minus the drugs) I’m always #winning.