Amy Schumer, the outspoken blond comic who grew up in Rockville Centre, published a memoir Tuesday, “The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo” (Gallery, 323 pp., $28). Here are the 10 big things we learned:
1. Despite the trash talk and the self-described “slutty” tattoo, Schumer has had one and only one one-night stand in her entire life. Which is particularly surprising once you read about it: It was the most romantic one-night stand in human history.
2. There is something called “Long Island cleavage” — and Schumer has it.
3. Amy Schumer is rich now, but she was actually really rich as a child. She came home from the hospital in a limo and grew up eating lobster once a week. She had a farm-themed birthday party with a real cow in the driveway.
4. Something for L.I. insiders to argue about: “Every summer when I came home from college, my sister and I would bartend at the only bar in Long Beach, where we served beer and wine and food fried within an inch of its gross life.” What joint is she talking about?
5. If you loved your childhood stuffed animals as much as Amy Schumer does (and you had her money; see No. 3), you would have Tilda Swinton’s life partner paint a portrait of them.
6. Amy Schumer was a crazed teenage shoplifter who stopped only after a felony arrest at Bloomingdale’s.
7. You actually can drink your chardonnay too cold. If Amy Schumer is going to sponsor any product, it will be Rombauer chardonnay, praised for its fabulous oakiness. A rider for her funeral service, included in the book, requisitions 22 cases.
8. Amy Schumer lost her virginity in a date rape, was physically abused by a boyfriend and had some really tough things happen in her childhood. The chapters on these experiences are going to be important to many people.
9. Amy Schumer does not shy away from the shooting that occurred at a screening of her film “Trainwreck” at a theater in Lafayette, Louisiana, last summer. The book includes photos of the victims and an appendix listing the names of every representative in Congress who has accepted money from the gun lobby.
10. Amy Schumer met her current boyfriend, Ben Hanisch, “on a dating app for your phone specifically aimed at creative people that attracted a lot of celebrity members.” If she were as nice a person as she says she is, she would have told us which one.