Best New Artist? Who cares. Best Album? Whatever, no one buys albums anymore.

It’s time to get the Grammy Awards modernized. Here are 10 categories we’d like to see, and some hypothetical winners if they were included this year.


Best Song that shouldn’t win anything because it was ripped off


Winner: Sam Smith: “Stay With Me.”

Tom Petty eventually got writing credit since the chorus is a note-for-note copy of his hit “I Won’t Back Down.” We’re looking forward to his next song “Running Out Of Ice Cream.”


Worst Jingle in a commercial


Winner: Kars for Kids

Fine, it’s for a good cause. But if we hear it again, we’ll start an organization called “Hammers to Destroy Our Radios or TVs.”


Overused Song Subject


Winner: Butts

JLo, Meaghan Trainor, and Nicki Minaj all did songs about butts. We get it. We’re over it. Imagine if The Beatles sang about their butts. Call us crazy, but “Hey Look at My Butt” just isn’t as good as “Hey Jude.”


Best Headwear by a Performer


Winner: Sia

Daft Punk /Lady Gaga would typically win this category, but it takes a special person to dress themselves as what looks like a villain from the '60s “Batman” series.



Most Eclectic Ensemble


Winner: Chorus from final “Colbert Report”

Finally, Henry Kissinger and the Cookie Monster got a chance to perform together, singing “We’ll Meet Again.” Also singing along were the likes of Mayor Bill de Blasio, Tom Brokaw, Alan Alda, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.



Best use of' 80s Nostalgia


Winner: “Push It’ Geico commercial

Thanks for putting this Salt-n-Pepa classic back in our heads-- forever.



Lifetime Underachievement Award


Winner: Justin Bieber

Does this guy even make music anymore? Seriously, WHAT DOES HE DO!??!


Top Extinct Music Form


Winner: Rock

Odds are if you have a guitar and drums, security will throw you out of this year’s ceremony. ("Uh, what’s a guitar," says 16 year old watching Charlie XCX video on iPhone)


Top Television Theme Song In Need of Comeback


Winner: “Doogie Howser, MD”

So simple, so genius, so perfect. We need this on the radio. And whatever happened to that Neil Patrick Harris guy? We should Google him and find out.


Most Devoted Fan of Taylor Swift


Winner: Taylor Swift