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New York Comedy Festival: A few jokes from some of the big stars in the lineup

Some of our favorite gags -- including a few about NYC -- from big stars performing at the New York Comedy Festival.

Amy Schumer

“He was really into family… He’d never come
Photo Credit: Jeff Bottari/Getty Images

“He was really into family… He’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ‘cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.”

“The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'”

Jerry Seinfeld

In 1977, on “Celebrity Cabaret,” Seinfeld talked about
Photo Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images

In 1977, on “Celebrity Cabaret,” Seinfeld talked about the city putting a tramway from Manhattan to Roosevelt Island.

“I think this is a terrific thing,” the comedian starts off. “The city’s on the verge of bankruptcy, they’ve putting up rides for us.”

Dane Cook

“I got into this car accident recently. Not
Photo Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

“I got into this car accident recently. Not my fault. This car accident was not my fault. But you know how it goes. Get into a car accident, even if it’s not your fault, the other person they get out of their car and they look at you like it’s your fault, even if it’s clearly their fault. They get out like – ‘Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!’"

Eric Andre

“I moved to New York City a couple
Photo Credit: Mark Davis/Getty Images

“I moved to New York City a couple of years ago. I had to get used to a few things. First of all, cops on horseback. Is that bizarro world to anyone else? Cops on horses? What’s going on? Is there a lot of illegal jousting going on in the city?”

Bill Maher

Photo Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images

"Couples should explore their mutual fantasies. There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.”

Chris D'elia

He impersonates every drunk girl ever. “People get
Photo Credit: Rob Kim/Getty Images

He impersonates every drunk girl ever.

“People get drunk, man. Dudes get drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. Yeah, girls get way drunker than dudes. Yeah. No. It’s true. Girls get drunk. ‘Hey you know what? Uh, excuse me. Uh…’ I always knew when my ex would get way too drink ‘cause she would always say this. ‘Guess what? You do the math.’ Like, ‘Yo, I did the math. Eight shots equals too many.’ ‘Yeah exactly. Exactly. So uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?’ Exactly, yeah. Exactly.’”

Hannibal Buress

“I was out with this girl; I bought
Photo Credit: Cindy Ord/Getty Images

“I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.”

Marc Maron

Photo Credit: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

"I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'"

Nick Offerman

As Ron Swanson from “Parks and Recreation”... “Friends:
Photo Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

As Ron Swanson from “Parks and Recreation”...

“Friends: one to three is sufficient.”

“Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.”

Bill Cosby

“My father established our relationship when I was
Photo Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

“My father established our relationship when I was 7 years old. He looked at me and said, ‘You know, I brought you into this world, I’ll take you out. And it don’t make no difference to me, I’ll make another one look just like you.”

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