When I first started using Tinder, real love was about the farthest thing from my mind.
My friend, who first told me to start using Tinder, said it’s a great app if you’re just looking to “beat the brakes off something.” Spoken like a modern day Shakespeare, and the kid was 100 percent right.
But over the last year and a half on Tinder, I’ve met a lot of great girls. I can’t say I’ve fallen in love with any of them, because I haven’t. I usually don’t leave enough time for that to happen.
However, each girl I’ve gotten somewhat close to has at least one major quality that made me think about starting something serious. Add that up, and I’m in love. So rather than talk about one particular girl, I’ll talk about four who stand out. (No real names were used.)
Adriana (as in Lima): You might remember Adriana from the first installment of “50 Shades of Hogan.” Now, if you recall, Adriana was a sexual dynamo, but a lot of the girls I’ve met off Tinder are. What stood out about her was her taste in music.
Might seem strange that someone’s musical preference would be such a big factor, but I don’t listen to the same Taylor Swift or Kanye garbage that everyone else does. So when I find a girl who listens to death metal, I get excited.
I know, you’d never guess it by looking at me, but there’s nothing better than putting on my headphones and listening to some metal. So when I find a girl who likes to listen to bands like Within the Ruins and The Acacia Strain, and then get naked for some fun, that’s a winner.
Megan (as in Fox): I like eating. It’s probably my favorite thing to do, and I’m really good at it. Megan was a good date from the start. She had a sense of humor, she was very pretty, she had a nice personality, and she, well, just did something else that I enjoyed thoroughly — use your imagination.
But the one thing that really stood out was her cooking. Now, I’ve had girls cook for me before, but when you make your own vodka sauce from scratch and it’s good enough that I still remember the taste more than a year later, then that’s serious.
Food will always win my heart over, but that little tease never did give me the recipe.
Sarah (as in Hyland): Sarah is another member of the “50 Shades of Hogan” club; you all might remember her as the Mother’s Day special. She makes this list for one reason: She was an absolute 10.
Now all of the girls I go out with are physically attractive, but Sarah was actually a model. If it weren’t for that pesky 6-year-old of hers, who knows what would’ve happened between Sarah and me.
Brie (as in Larson): There’s no other way to describe Brie other than saying she’s the coolest girl I’ve ever met on Tinder. Now, you women won’t understand what that means, but guys will.
Guys want a girl who knows what she wants and then acts accordingly. We want a girl who can interact with us on a guy level — that is to say, we can challenge her verbally, and she can just take it and dish it right back.
Brie told me what she wanted with me from the get-go and never changed on me. She didn’t say, “I want to have fun,” wait a couple of weeks and then say, “But wait, I want more. Be my boyfriend! Nag! Nag! Nag!”
Brie tolerated my douchey behavior and fired it right back at me, which I like.
She’s also a demon in the sack, but that’s neither here nor there.
Taking those factors into account, Brie is not only one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met, but the best friend I’ve made from Tinder.
If you sign up for Tinder looking for love, that’s amazing. Seriously, I want to write a think piece about you. Most people sign up for Tinder to hook up. That’s a huge generalization, but there it is.
I signed up for two reasons. One, everyone else was doing it and I’m easily susceptible to peer pressure. And two, I wanted to maybe, potentially meet guys who are maybe, potentially not horrible. I know, I know, my naivety is showing! I’ve been using the app since January — new year, new me, amiright — and I’m no closer to finding true love than I was during my AIM chatroom days. Even so, I’m not too worried about it. Honestly, I’d rather not be in the situation where I have to explain to my future children how I met their father through an app for sex, though I’m sure The New York Times would love to write a Sunday Styles piece about it.
My Tinder interactions rarely go beyond the first date and the one guy that I have seen more than once makes me want to scream at how much of a flake he is. If he’s reading this, hi!! Want to hang out this weekend? If this is what Tinder love looks like, please keep it at least 20 feet away from me at all times. Instead, here are a few examples of times I was closer to love than any of my Tinder matches:
– The time I feel asleep on the stranger’s shoulders next to me while riding the Q home
– The time my favorite bartender said my hair looked nice while ‘Truly Madly Deeply’ played in the background
– The time a hot dad accidentally grabbed my hand on the train
– The time the guy working at Pret gave me my iced coffee for free
– The time I saw a guy reading “Franny and Zooey” in Washington Square Park
– The time a golden retriever let me pet him for two minutes
– Every time I make eye contact with a cute guy walking down the street
Does that mean I’m over Tinder? Probably not. Even with the lack of *true love* the app has provided, I don’t see myself deleting it from my phone anytime soon. What else would I do in those two minutes it takes for my hair straightener to heat up? Where else would I find a suspicious number of men posing with tigers? How else would I know the exact height of the men in my surrounding neighborhood? This is the vital information I can’t give up just yet.