By Andrei Codrescu
(Special from Austin, Texas)
I went to the Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum in Austin to look for missing Democrats* and to educate my son in Texas history because he lives here now and is raising two sons who’ll wear big hats one day and run the universe.
We couldn’t find any Democrats, which is surprising if you look at the state history. In the beginning, there were only three or four Texans who were not Indians. Two of those were Mexicans, while the other two, who may have been one and the same person, were fugitives from Europe using aliases. With help from Mexico, Spain, France and England, and the United States, the three or four Texans killed all the Indians’ food supply, the buffalo, then killed as many Indians as they could and when they couldn’t kill any more they made phony treaties that they broke as soon as they were rested enough to kill more. After a few years there were about 20 Texans, maybe 15, because some of them used aliases, plus a lot of stubborn Indians and quite a few African slaves.
In any case, there seemed to be enough Texans to declare independence from Mexico, to which Texas belonged, though Mexico itself used to belong to Spain not long before that. The Revolution and War with Mexico led to Independence for the Republic of Texas, after many people were killed on both sides in heroic battles, especially at the Alamo by Bowie the Knife and General Santa Ana, pronounced Ch-eneral Santa Ana. During this time there were posters in New Orleans, New York, and Europe promising thousands of acres of land to anybody who wanted to be a Texan, but the posters didn’t say that this might involve getting killed. Many people came to the Republic of Texas and almost didn’t get killed until Texas voted to join the United States, and then there was another war with Mexico.
By this time, there were maybe 200 Texans and a few thousand African slaves. With the help of the U.S. Army, they killed a lot of Mexicans. The United States wasn’t sure it wanted Texas, because it was going to upset the balance between free states and slave-holding ones, but that was beside the point soon when the Civil War came and nearly all the Texans got killed along with almost everyone in the whole Union and the entire Confederacy. President Lincoln’s Republican Party freed the slaves and from that day on there were only about 10 Republicans in all of Texas until the 1980s when Ronald Reagan made it O.K.
After everyone was killed in the Civil War, there were wild cows roaming all over the pace, and the cowboys came, led by John Wayne, and rounded up the cows and sold their meat in Kansas. Many of the cowboys were killed in the process. After that, Texas started gushing oil and took over the United States. After Texas took over the U.S., it sent men from Houston to take over the moon.
Now Texas is about to take over the world, and there are maybe a million Texans altogether, including my son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren who need to know all about this history because they might need to seriously consider moving if Texas declares independence from the world and there is another war. They are safe for now because there can’t be any action until the missing Democrats are brought back to the Bob Bullock Museum and made into a permanent exhibit.
