BY MAX BURBANK | Do we really need to “wait and see” what Donald Trump will be like in office? Not unless we assume he’s been punking us all along. Despite having time to visit with Kanye, fix his desperate ego jones every day or so with a quick Nuremberg-style “thank you” rally, and get all swoony over the near-certainty that Putin will invite him to the Senior Prom, Trump felt he had to cancel a press conference addressing his conflict of interest plan on account of how super-busy he is with the transition. So let’s look at that. It seems like the people a president-elect nominates for his cabinet could be a pretty good indication of how he might govern.
Steven Mnuchin, Treasury: This former Goldman Sachs partner is the kind of prehistoric, monster-size big fish you find when you “Drain The Swamp.” Just speaking to guys like this made Clinton “unfit” to be president! Trump’s top fundraiser, Mnuchin personally contributed $430,000 to Trump and the RNC’s joint fundraising account. “Bribe” is a nasty word. “Purchase” might be better.
Linda McMahon, Small Business Administration: Because what says “small business” like being CEO of the WWE? Sure, she’s a chick and that’s bad, but she ran a business based on passionately insisting something totally fake is real. What could be better preparation? It’s like Trump school. Or, you know, Trump University.
Wilbur Ross, Commerce: Billionaire investor, banker, rumored to be the “Grand Swipe” of Kappa Beta Phi — a Wall Street secret society of the sort that calls their leader “Grand Swipe.” And no, for the record, I did not make that up.
Scott Pruitt, EPA: Knows a lot about the Environmental Protection Agency ’cause he’s SUING IT! A climate change denier, he once wrote of global warming, “The debate is far from settled” — presumably because he does not know what the words “debate” and “settled” mean. Trump chose Pruitt for EPA when he found out he could not name Cruella de Vil for Secretary of Puppies.
Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development: A former presidential candidate Trump once implied was a child molester, Carson turned down Health and Education, saying he “had no government experience.” But he’s a perfect choice for HUD, though, ’cause he’s like…urban, right? And presumably, at some point, he lived in a house.
James Mattis, Defense: Hasn’t been out of the military long enough to be legally eligible, but so what? Trump has a boner for generals left over from his days in a fancy schmancy military prep school. Also, Mattis’ nickname is “Mad Dog.” There’s probably a lot more to know about him, but that was more than enough for Trump.
Jeff Sessions, Attorney General: If the middle name “Beauregard” doesn’t immediately suggest southern-fried racism, he once said he thought the KKK was “okay, until I found out they smoked pot.” In 1986 the senate found him too racist to be a federal judge — but Trump claims to be the least racist person you’ve ever met, so people he nominates can’t be racists. It’s just logic.
Andrew Puzder, Labor: This fast food CEO hates labor protections and the minimum wage, loves automation for it’s back-sass-free non-uppityness, and is very close to being named “A. Putz.” Nominated by Trump when he found out he could not nominate King Joffrey to be Secretary of Ned Stark.
Elaine Chao, Transportation: Sure she’s married to Mitch “Yertle the Turtle” McConnell, but she’s also qualified, educated, female, and Asian. What gives? Trump just got “One of These Things is Not Like the Others” stuck in his head.
Rick Perry, Energy: The last two Secretaries of Energy have been the head of the department of physics at MIT and a Nobel Prize winner. Perry holds a BA in Animal Science from Texas A&M. Last time he ran for president, he wanted to eliminate the agency he’s now nominated to run, but couldn’t remember its name. In the plus column, he came in second-to-last on “Dancing with the Stars,” a performance almost good enough to make up for his having been Governor of Texas. Perry, who once called Trump “a cancer on conservatism,” enthusiastically embraced his appointment, presumably because he’s strongly pro-cancer.
Betsy DeVos, Education: Your kid’s English teacher probably has a master’s degree. Many high school principals have a PhD, and most states require one for Superintendent of Schools. Betsy DeVos holds a bachelor’s degree in Business Administration, never went to public school, doesn’t send her kids to public school, and has never taught anything because she’s a full-time lobbyist and fundraiser. File this one under #DrainTheSwamp or #FindTheBiggestLeeches.
Rex Tillerson, State: What you find squirming around the rim of the plughole once the swamp is entirely drained. Chairman and Chief Executive of ExxonMobil, a company with billions of dollars in oil contracts with Russia, which can only go forward if we lift sanctions against them — so no problems there. He received the Russian Order of Friendship directly from Putin, a medal denoting that he and Tillerson are “just friends,” so Trump doesn’t need to be “jealous” but shouldn’t totally “rule out” some sort of “three-way thing” involving “shirtless stallion riding.”
Michael Flynn, National Security Adviser: Nazi, cyborg, frequent UFO abductee, current owner of the Spear of Destiny, married to a brace of Latvian sister-wives all under the age of 12: These are the kind of fake news items Flynn indiscriminately wolfs down like a starving mongrel eating its own vomit. Bonus points! NSA is by appointment, so does not need congressional approval!
Stephen K. Bannon, Senior Counselor, Chief Strategist: This Decepticon transforms at will from a bloated alcoholic anti-Semite into a high-tech white supremacist bullhorn. Also the main reason you don’t need to “wait and see” anything about a Trump presidency unless you are currently blind.
