Dear Human Resources,
Your assistant mentioned you were having trouble placing me, so I’ve enclosed a revised résumé, alphabetized, mostly, for your convenience.
Thanks for taking a closer look.
Best,
Jenny Klion
I’ve been an Apprentice for the Pickle Family Circus in San Francisco, but that was a long time ago.
Also, a Barista at a comedy club in San Francisco, before Barista was a thing. I’m always there before something is a thing. I even flirted with that old “SNL”’er Rob Schneider there, before he was a thing…
I’ve been a Comedian, for like two seconds, a Circus Clown, and a Cook on a fishing boat. Also, a Copy Editor for a variety of smut houses — because grammar is very important in pornography.
I was a Dental Assistant, for one Day, and also a Dancer. Plus a Dishwasher at an Italian restaurant when I was 17, which was so Disgusting, I left to be that Cook on a fishing boat.
I’ve been an Essay Writer, an Essay Writer Winner, and an Emcee at a performance art club, before that was a thing. But also a French Fry Cook at a Hard Rock Cafe, where I first started to question the nature of my existence.
I’ve been a Grant Getter, and Game Show Writer, plus a Hollywood Studio Executive, for Jim Henson Pictures, during which time my beautiful daughter was born.
I Interviewed Dick King Smith, of “Babe” fame — in case anybody remembers that sweet pig movie — for a Scholastic magazine.
Also a Juggler, Jewelry Maker and my personal favorite, Jewelry Finder. This means I find jewelry and gems everywhere, and turned THAT into a business.
K, maybe I’m a Kiss Ass, it’s possible.
And as for L, I’m a Letter Writer, both professional and otherwise. See The New York Times, New York Daily News and the bottom of my desk drawer.
I’m also a Mother, obviously, been a Mask Maker, and even a bad Magician for a while, when I was that Emcee that one time, before that was a thing.
I’ve worked for Nonprofits, had a Newspaper Column, and was a Natural Foods Breakfast Cook at a theater school in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin.
I was also an Opera singer in Edinburgh and Philadelphia, playing Mrs. Rockefeller, among others, which demonstrates I know how to hang with the big boys.
I work in Publishing, as a Proofreader, sometimes; am a Playwright, kind of, I like to say so; and also have Performed as a Puppeteer with Big Apple Circus, among others. You can actually see part of my shadow-Puppet act in Woody Allen’s movie “Alice,” which was way before HE had a thing.
I’ve even nearly been a Quadriplegic, though not exactly, though I once had to spend over four weeks in the spinal cord injury rehab center at Mt. Sinai Hospital. This wasn’t a job per se, but it seemed like it was.
I’ve been a Receptionist, and still work as a Reader, of book manuscripts and film lit, a thankless job for sure, no matter how many times I am right. I was also on the Rigging Crew for Philippe Petit, when he walked a high wire across the constellations at the top of Grand Central Station.
I was a Sax player, at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco — ripped a Solo on “Frosty the Snowman” — been a Scallop Shucker, Sandwich Maker, Sauté Cook, Short Order Cook — on the midnight shift even — plus a Script Adaptor, Script Consultant, Seamstress and Substitute Teacher.
Also, Trout Cook, at a restaurant designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, in Spring Green, Wisconsin, and once worked one half of one day at a Taco Bell, in Santa Cruz, California. You had to wear that horrible uniform, clean the counters every five seconds, and when I saw my then-crush walk through the front door, I left on my lunch break and never went back.
I’ve been an Understudy, an Underground Bakery Owner and an Unemployment Receiver.
V is for Violin, but no, I never did that. I never ran a Victory Lap either. Though maybe in that rehab center, when I could walk again, after I couldn’t. Further information upon request.
I’ve been a Waitress, and a Wire Walker myself, but don’t get too excited — the cables were crotch level only.
W is also for Writer, Writer’s Assistant and Wishing I’d gotten the credit I deserve on that Tony-nominated musical and that celebrity chef memoir.
I’ve been an Xtra on a number of movie sets, almost always in black films, including for Spike Lee and Eddie Murphy, and even twerked in the house of a Run-DMC video, before that was a thing.
Young Playwrights, NYC hired me for my first script-reading job.
And Z…no, nothing Z. I’m a lot of hot air, actually. Though Zachariah Zembrowsky was the name of my daughter’s first — and last — boyfriend.
— BY Jenny Klion
