Aries Nothing is as good as it used to be — except your ability to give snotty kids an unsolicited history lesson!
Taurus Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Invest equally in scratch tickets, BINGO cards and high yield municipal bonds.
Gemini One person’s twerking is another person’s Dougie and another’s hustle, twist or Charleston — so face your choice of music, and dance.
Cancer Items, both long sought and impulse, await purchase at a local stoop sale. Mystico says, splurge!
Leo A reluctant Leo from your distant past needs to be reminded of a promise made to a mutual friend.
Virgo The new Muppets movie isn’t as good as the ones your kids grew up on, but it has its merits. Embrace the next generation!
Libra A hot number, decades your junior, finds your salacious flirtations more cute than creepy. Build on that!
Scorpio Life is a cabaret — and this week, your gift of gab will get you a table upfront and a pass on the two-drink minimum.
Sagittarius Cruise ship tan sessions are like Sunday picnic deviled eggs — likely to go bad if left in the sun too long.
Capricorn Dreams of bold adventures pale in comparison to what this week’s waking life has in store…and it all starts near the Chelsea bus stop of your choosing.
Aquarius Don’t feel bad that you’ve aged out of Lasik surgery. Rock a pair of designer bifocals instead, and accept the passes of those who like glasses!
Pisces Your time capsule choices from four decades ago now seem wacky, wise, terribly trite and tremendously titillating — in that precise order.