BY MAX BURBANK
FRIDAY: JANUARY 20, 2017
12:00 p.m. | Donald John Trump takes the oath of office, becoming the 45th President of the United States of America. Kellyanne Conway sports respectful attire for American Democracy’s funeral, cosplaying as a sexy Revolutionary War soldier. In a secret room deep below Trump International Hotel DC (the true reason Trump purchased the Old Post Office location), Stephen Bannon slits a ram’s throat, uses its blood to paint cryptic runes on his naked body, and opens a portal to a dimension of madness beyond time.
12:15 p.m. | The inaugural address Trump insists he wrote “all by himself” describes “rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones,” “young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge,” and a pledge to stop “this American carnage” — a phrase considered by some to be “a little bit of a downer.”
12:30 p.m. | Like a single rose unexpectedly blooming in a burned-out field of rubble, Nazi Spokes-Wiener Richard Spencer gets punched in the face.
3:00 p.m. | On live national television, the inaugural parade passes several rows of nearly empty bleachers. Later, several hapless transition staffers will get screamed at real good and maybe slapped a little.
5:00 p.m. | DC police report around 100 arrests after a day of sporadic rioting.
7:45 p.m. | At the Inaugural Balls, the President and First Lady dance to “My Way,” an English rewrite of a French song about the disintegration of a doomed marriage, that opens with line “And now, the end is near.” Trump demanded this song, though several people, most notably Nancy Sinatra, told him it was an amazingly bad choice.
11:59 p.m. | Shocked that becoming president has done nothing to fill his lifelong existential emptiness, Trump is enraged to find himself physically unable to use the White House bathrooms’ ridiculous non-golden toilet.
SATURDAY: JANUARY 21, 2017
10:00 a.m. | Trump makes a fence-mending trip to the CIA. He refers to the media as “the most dishonest human beings on earth” and blames them for the false impression he is feuding with intelligence agencies he recently accused of leaking and compared to Nazis. Howls of “IRONY!” and “WILL THIS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE NEVER END?” cannot be heard over the thunderous applause of the first three rows Trump packed with paid staffers. Spoiler alert: No fences are mended.
10:01 a.m. | The Women’s March on Washington. About 470,000 folks express their displeasure, roughly three times more people than attended the inauguration. There are no arrests.
11:57 a.m. | Having assumed control of the official POTUS Twitter account, Trump misspells a tweet, deletes it, reposts it with corrected spelling, then deletes the correction — violating rules regarding the archiving of official records twice on his first full day in office.
12:53 p.m. | White House staff admits Trump’s inaugural address was actually written by Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon. A nation reels in shock.
6:00 p.m. | Can you call it a press conference when a sweaty, bug-eyed press secretary doesn’t take any questions and instead just shouts easily disprovable lies? No? How about a nutty? As in, “At 6:00 p.m., Press Secretary Sean Spicer threw a nutty.”
SUNDAY: JANUARY 22, 2017
4:47 a.m. | Unable to contain himself an instant longer, Trump crafts the first traditional “Trump as yuge A-hole” tweet of his presidency, predictably whining like a cranky toddler about the Women’s March.
6:23 a.m. | Trump tweets “Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy.” Or, staff are now awake and have taken away his phone.
10:39 a.m. | Kellyanne Cosplay calls Spicer’s absurd inaugural attendance lies “alternative facts,” and announces Trump will not ever release his taxes, as they “litigated this all through the election.” Legal scholars describe these new concepts as “non-existent” and “batshit.”
12:15 p.m. | Republican holdouts McCain and Graham cave announcing they will back Rex Tillerson, Vladimir Putin’s nominee for Secretary of State.
11:59 p.m. | Trump has not slept since Thursday because of the laughter. He is president, and still they laugh. Must he rule the world to get a little sleep?
MONDAY: JANUARY 23, 2017
8:45 a.m. | Former Speaker of the House and current Human Irrelevancy Newt Gingrich calls for the arrest of Madonna and warns of “emerging left-wing fascism,” ignoring “existing right-wing fascism.”
12:45 p.m. | Trump files paperwork retroactively declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Kim Jong-un is “mad jelly.”
3:00 p.m. | Sean Spicer holds an actual press conference with questions; says of Trump administration, “Our intention is never to lie,” a statement that is itself a transparent lie — the sort of logical paradox frequently employed by Captain Kirk to destroy malevolent computer intelligences.
5:00 p.m. | Trump meets with lawmakers and repeats the wildly unsubstantiated lie that he lost the popular vote due to massive illegal votes, upping his estimates from three to five million, because it’s fun and also he’s insane.
11:45 p.m. | Can a truly great man, one of history’s greatest, take a crap on a toilet that has zero gold leaf? Sleep is also out of the question.
TUESDAY: JANUARY 24, 2017
7:45 a.m. | Kellyanne Cosplay informs Minister of Propaganda Sean Hannity, “Because of what the press is doing to me now, I have Secret Service protection.”
3:15 p.m. | Sean Spicer, who 24 hours earlier said it was not the administrations’ intention to lie, defends Trump’s outrageous lie about millions of illegal votes by citing a 2008 Pew Research Center study that, as described, does not exist.
4:00 p.m. | Having possessed the staff and all the guests at Trump International DC, tendrils too unspeakably terrible for human eyes to see begin to undulate outward from that mighty structure and into America’s Heartland.
