BY KATHLEEN ROCKWELL LAWRENCE | After a most distressful string of 3 a.m. wakings, nightmarish mullings on ways to reach her pharmacy and bagel store on “the far side,” Street Hollering Woman has arrived at The Method, a series of life-saving crosswalk techniques she wishes to share.
Simplicity itself, The Method requires only items and humans, perhaps even pets, already found in one’s home. Practiced daily with mindfulness and consistency, it will incrementally increase one’s street cred, until one day, one will find oneself positively swaggering across even the most hair-raising thoroughfares of our great city. One will be empowered!
The Swinging Compost Bag: This method is world-saving, as well as life-saving. Also, a 180-degree swing of a Trader Joe’s bag filled with deliquescing arugula, carrot shavings, broccoli stems and chicken gizzards is just a terrific workout for one’s rotator cuff! And a driver will slam on the brakes at the thought of that bag whacking his car.
The compost bag has the requisite heft to it, but there’s a caveat. It breaks with leakage, which of course is part of the point, but one fears premature leakage. For this reason, S.H.W. recommends stashing it in the freezer overnight. This works like a charm.
It could contain two bowling balls, for all that biker/driver knows. No compost? Whatever you’re schlepping must and will suffice, if swung with élan! S.H.W. has had bag-swinging success with Bloomie’s Little Brown Bag. Swing the sack with attitude, and one’s adversary will have no clue that it contains only a matte magenta lipstick from Clinique.
Any Old Baby: A small baby in and of itself is not much good, but in a stroller it becomes quite useful. We’ve all seen it: mothers and fathers who test the waters by pushing their babies out into traffic before venturing themselves. And why do you suppose this is? Call it cowardly or call it smart self-defense.
No stroller? Just hold child with arms outstretched — well away from oneself —and high enough for the drivers to see.
Street Hollering Woman currently finds herself all too often in the company of a rather large baby, and one quite difficult to lift. But the great advantage of large babies is that drivers are more likely to see them, which may actually release traces of oxytocin in the hardest of hearts.
Child-free? No problem! Simply insert pet — even into a stroller or Snugli carrier!
The Umbrella: It’s packable, and features real whackability. Also, one must not dismiss out of hand that lighthearted Jabberwocky technique, which might actually charm drivers into giving way. Third, one may choose to unfurl it and hold it full-on, shield-like, between oneself and the driver/biker. But then one’s vision is likewise obstructed…and one will get wet.
Generally, the umbrella is best used in rain; for who wants to be found carrying it in fair weather?
The Book: To increase one’s stature and visibility, hold a coffee-table book vertically on your head as you take to the crosswalk. Keywords here: “vertically” and “coffee table.” Admittedly, this is not the classiest look, and so of course one should refrain except in the case of a dire emergency. And though this would never be S.H.W.’s choice, it may be for those harboring intellectual pretensions. S.H.W. has no such need.
But she includes it here after being startled by the sight of a gentleman so employing a paperback of “The Sound and the Fury.” Or was it “The Naked and the Dead”? Anyway, nothing against Faulkner and Mailer, but he definitely looked crazy. The books were too small!
Field Expediency: A term borrowed from the military, it means use a book, a baby, etc., as we have mentioned above — whatever one has at hand. But there are those occasions, rare to be sure for New York pedestrians, when one finds oneself hands-free, with only one’s empty hands. Which brings us to:
Hand Semaphores! …
Total Surrender: Hands held aloft; elbows forming right angles with bicep and forearm. Alternatively, if one has a white fabric, a tissue, a scarf, a blouse —wave it! This international appeal and one’s desperation in employing it, can be quite effective in eliciting sympathy and a recognition of our common humanity.
Stop in the Name of Love a.k.a. The Diana Ross: This works, but must be done with authority. Helps if, like S.H.W., you’ve taught “Intro to Lit” for decades.
Hand Held at Right Angle to Hip: A calming, patting motion. Subtle, but sometimes effective if adversary is proceeding only slightly above the limit.
Index Finger Pointing to the Crosswalk Lines in Staccato Jabs: As if to say: “Hell-o-o, it’s the crosswalk, and je suis ici!”
The Hail Mary: Hands fervently folded, even blessing oneself if this is an option.
Yogic Prayer Hands at Heart Position: The spirit in me meeting the spirit in you. Namaste… . Let it go… . Let me go… . And, yeah right, good luck with that.
The Last Resort: Yet another hand signal, albeit the most common — using only one finger — but one which S.H.W. does not advise, for it triggers instant road rage. She should know.
Do develop a strong ego: When drivers call one the vilest words in the English language — and sometimes in Spanish, Urdu and Chinese — do not be crushed if one isn’t crushed. Sticks and stones, my friend, sticks and stones.
Don’t bother making eye contact: Some manuals instruct you to do this. Really? When it’s one’s own light? Light, shmite. When one’s foot is in the crosswalk, even a light-running walker has the right of way. Pedestrians rule, my peeps. Eye contact, indeed! That is so asking permission.
No karate kicks: Don’t try kicking the back of a car that’s blocking the intersection as one attempts to cross. Just trust me on this one: When the car takes off with one’s foot against its trunk, one will lose balance and find oneself perilously in the way of the vehicle behind the first one.
S.H.W. sends you forth, my peds. My peeps. My consanguinity. Go mindfully, armed with new discipline she has freely and so generously provided you. And live.
