BY REV. JEN (rev-jen.com) | When asked to write a Valentine’s Day-themed column, I was hesitant. If you recount my V-Day column from last year, I was happy in love, enjoying hijinks with my boyfriend of four years. And, if you remember the column that immediately followed, you might also recall he dumped me — on Valentine’s Day. While there is truly nothing worse than Christmas, Valentine’s Day gives it a run for its money.
There’s not much you can do when you get dumped. If you’re insane, you can always stalk your ex, in which case you might end up in Riker’s (and you should). You can curl up in the fetal position, cry and not get anything accomplished or you can pick up a pen or a paintbrush and try to express your anguish through art, which is what I did. I also spent countless hours hanging in the Troll Museum with my BFF, Faceboy, who’d also recently been dumped.
One memorable evening, as we both wept into our Budweisers while wondering how anyone could possibly dump two of the most awesome people in NYC, my buzzer rang. It was Joe Heaps Nelson, a wonderful painter who sort of looks like a cross between Jesus, a wizard and a pirate and therefore fulfills all of my fetishes. We first met probably 15 years ago at Mars Bar (25 E. First St., now a TD Bank that doesn’t serve cheap beer) and reconnected last summer at Lucky Jack’s (129 Orchard St.) It was shortly after my face met the Delancey Street sidewalk, providing me with a fat lip, bruised eyes and a bloody chin. I looked so horrific that teens called me “Two-Face” and my former employers at The Tenement Museum forced me to work in the basement like Quasimodo. Despite my appearance, Joe thought I was cute and funny. Hoping we could be friends, I gave him my buzzer number. He remembered it and when he saw that I was suddenly single on Facebook, he used it. My face had already healed and soon thereafter, my broken heart. We’ve been together ever since.
So, this column is about how to make this holiday not suck, even if you get dumped, are single, in an emotionally draining relationship or even a good relationship. If you do have a lover, it’s important to please them on this specific hell day so they don’t hate you. Here are my tips for both swingles and couples.
THINK OUTSIDE OF THE “HEART-SHAPED BOX”
Diamonds are cliché (and expensive). Roses die and candy is bad for you. Assuming you’re not planning on DUMPING your partner on Valentine’s Day, it’s important to get creative and do something he or she will remember forever. My first love surprised me in our school library one V-Day, carrying a dozen fake roses attached to a dozen Troll Dolls thus creating a “Troll Bouquet.” He told me later he was worried that this somehow hurt the Trolls, but I assured him it was one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for me. If you don’t have money for Troll Bouquets, it’s possible to do something kind and memorable for your lover anyway.
My BFF Faceboy recently wrote his most recent ladylove a list of “52 reasons why he loves her,” one for every week of the year. While the gesture was adorbs, what impressed me most were his math computation skills. There are plenty of other sweet gifts that don’t require a cent. Who doesn’t love a long, sensual massage? You could even write down sensual and sexual gestures on little pieces of paper, put them in a box and take turns pulling them out at random (ideas could include “massage your partner with your mouth” or “do a strip-tease for your partner”).
When giving gifts, theft isn’t always a bad idea. Years ago, filmmaker, Nick Zedd, who I was dating at the time, stole a life-sized cardboard cutout of the Hobbits from a theater where “Lord of the Rings” was playing, then carried it to my front door. If you are going to give a generic heart-shaped box, take the candy out and fill it with something useful. My friend (and former Mr. Lower East Side) Mike Amato once gave me a heart-shaped box full of 200 Q-tips ensuring 200 “eargasms” throughout the year.
AVOID FANCY RESTAURANTS
In this economy, dropping a lot of money at an overpriced joint will only serve to prove to your lover that you’re an idiot who doesn’t know how to save. Instead, go to a place where the food is awesome and inexpensive. Avoid any place that has a velvet rope outside because good food is far more romantic than trendy food or waiting in line outdoors in the freezing cold. Whatever genius invented Valentine’s Day decided it should fall on what is often the coldest day of the year.
Some Suggestions: Joe and I often dine at Jin (252 Broome St.) for their happy hour — where items such as sushi, shumai, salad, beer and wine are only $3.50 and the food is delicious. I’m also a fan of Puebla Mexican Food & Coffee Shop (47 First Ave.), an unassuming little joint that serves great burritos. My friend, Christopher, suggested packing a picnic and having said picnic in a secret, unexpected spot like under a coat rack in a department store. If you don’t feel like going out, cooking at home is always an option. But ladies, if you plan on cooking for your old man, keep in mind that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach — it’s through his penis. You could always just make him a Hungry-Man TV Dinner and enjoy a delightful Salisbury Steak, naked in bed. It even comes with a brownie!
FOR SWINGLES
If you are single and want to “hook up,” it’s never a bad idea to head to a bar on February 13, where plenty of lonely people will be dousing themselves in liquor in order to forget the upcoming holiday. You might get lucky and end up with a date the next day. It’s also fun to go out with other single friends on Valentine’s Day and ruin other happy couple’s dates. Head to a romantic movie, pretend to fall asleep and snore dramatically or simply make fart noises. Or pick up a bottle of “Liquid Ass,” a fart spray that I’ve used to clear more than one annoying bar. Just wear gloves if you use it, because if it leaks you will, in fact, smell like liquid ass, ensuring continued singlehood (both products are available at Amazon and elsewhere). A company called Westminster also makes an “Annoying Sound Machine” that generates over 20 sounds at the push of a button — including nails on a chalkboard, dentist drill, alarm clock, cats fighting and more.
Hoping to acquire my own, I headed to Halloween Adventure with Joe and my trusty photographer friend, John Thomas Foster, where we obtained a similar “Pocket Disgusting Sounds Machine,” which features puking, farting and belching sounds. We then took said device to a screening of “American Sniper” and attempted to have fun with it — but “American Sniper” was so bad that it’s the first film I’ve ever walked out of. (Not a political opinion, but one based on 15 years of being a professional writer who has made a bunch of movies. It was so cartoonish and poorly written, I half expected a G.I. Joe PSA to follow it. Mission Fail!).
CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK (more specifically my new book)
Whether you are in a relationship or not, sometimes a book is preferable to another human. That said, I have a new book out and you should buy it ASAP. “June” is my first novel (thought it’s my sixth published book) and it’s the only book I’ve ever self-published under an imprint called Art Star Scene Press a.k.a. ASS Press. Co-founded with my friend Bruce Ronn, ASS Press seeks to publish things that are actually underground and save the last vestiges of bohemia from the plight of hipsterdom. Set in early ‘90s New York City, “June” tells the story of a young artist who takes on work as a professional submissive in a Manhattan S&M dungeon. Featuring a cast of characters ranging from her artist friends on the Lower East Side to her millionaire clients on the Upper East Side, it sheds light, not only on the all too common hypocrisy of the wealthy, but also on the fact that we are often happiest when we have nothing to lose. It’s also really dirty. Based on my own experiences in the industry, it’s sort of like “50 Shades of Grey” — only well-written. Search “June, Reverend Jen” on Amazon to easily acquire this masterpiece of perversity. I’m hoping to bring it to local bookstores soon.
COME TO MY BOOK PARTY!
If you’ve ever been to one of my book parties, you know they are awesome. Instead of boring authors droning on about their dull, sexless lives and then going home sober, you will likely find me reading something that would make Henry Miller blush then par-taying until the wee hours. The event will witness both the launch of “June” and the beginning of Art Star Scene Press. There will be bands (T.B.A.), comedians, a spanking booth, readings from the novel and more. Best of all, it’s free!
Tues., Feb. 17, 8–11 p.m. at Lucky Jack’s, 129 Orchard St.
COME TO MY ART SHOW: “FUR FLIES”
If on Feb 15, you are hung over from sex, chocolate and alcohol, you will be in the perfect state of mind to view “Fur Flies” featuring adorable, furry paintings by Ryan Michael Ford and me! According to the press release: “These tripped-out furry creatures and fuzzballs exist only in the wild minds of Reverend Jen Miller and Ryan Michael Ford, but after looking at this show, you will see fur and fuzz everywhere. Your mind will be blown open to the idea that these psychedelic characters and events really do inhabit the realms of hipster normality.” The opening is from 1-5 p.m. on Feb. 15, and champagne will be served. The price of having your pineal gland explode while enjoying this awesome art is a subway ride to Queens.
Through Feb. 28, at Reservoir Art Space, Inc. 659 Woodward Ave. Ridgewood, NY, Queens. Seneca M train stop, or Myrtle L train.
IF YOU GET DUMPED ON VALENTINE’S DAY
If, say, your boyfriend or girlfriend decides to dump you on Valentine’s Day, realize it’s not really that big of a deal. It’s simply a rejection of your heart, soul and mind. Accept the fact that the one who dumped you is a horrible person and simply move on. Or go have fun utilizing the aforementioned tips.
