PETIT LARCENY: Get thee to a shrubbery | It seems as though the fickle demands of the Knights Who Say “Ni!” have had a perceptible impact on our very own Hudson River Park. As a 50-year-old park employee reported to police on Fri., March 10, between March 3 and 8, some unknown party stole 15 inkberry shrubs from the northeast corner of the park by W. 27th St. (at the West Side Highway), worth a total of $750. What’s more, the man reported that this has been an ongoing issue since May of 2016. There are currently no leads as who would need to steal so many shrubs, though presumably the culprit will be wearing chain mail and banging together coconut halves.
CRIMINAL POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE: Drugs for love | At around 11pm on Thurs., Mar. 9, a man approached an undercover shield on the 300 block of W. 16th St. (btw. Eighth & Ninth Aves.). In order to try to woo the officer, he coyly offered him a cool $100 along with an amount of a controlled substance in return for sexual intercourse, as one does in these cases. Shortly thereafter, the arresting officer observed the man hand the undercover shield that controlled substance, sealing his fate. “I wasn’t selling drugs, I just wanted sex,” the man said — though that explanation didn’t do much to stop the 33-year-old from being arrested.
HARASSMENT: Sickly smoker | At around 6:30pm on Fri., Mar. 10, a female patient walked into Mount Sinai Urgent Care (309 W. 23rd St., at Eighth Ave.) to try to see a doctor — though in her hurry, she failed to put out her cigarette inside the facility, and was asked to leave. According to the employee who reported the incident, the prospective patient — who also appeared to be intoxicated, naturally — became irate and started shouting after being asked to leave. Eventually, the fuming female left, but, as they don’t want a return visit, a police report was filed. Fortunately, the 47-year-old left her information at the desk, making that request entirely enforceable.
LOST PROPERTY UNCLASSIFIED: No Chainz | In a surprising turn of events, a man who is decidedly not famed rapper 2 Chainz lost two costly fashion chains during a night on the town last week. The Brooklyn man, who is not, in fact, a Grammy-winner, was reportedly at the club 1 Oak (435 W. 17th St., btw. Ninth & 10th Aves.) partying in the early morning hour of Sat., March 11. The man, who did not top the charts with the song “Birthday Song [Feat. Kanye West],” decided to leave around 3:20am in a cab, but did not remember the ride very clearly due to his profound intoxication. When he woke up at his apartment around 9am, the non-Def Jam signee discovered that his two David Yurman chains (worth $12,500 apiece) were missing, and (because of his drunkenness) did not remember anyone removing them. It is currently unclear how many chains the 28-year-old — who, I cannot stress enough, was not born Tauheed Epps in Georgia, 1977 — is now in possession of, though he’s seemingly being punished for stealing the entertainer’s one gimmick.
PETIT LARCENY: Rite raid | Heartburn and a bad hair day are probably the least of this thief’s problems now. At 1:30pm on Fri., Mar. 10, the loss prevention employee at a Rite Aid (282 Eighth Ave., at W. 24th St.) witnessed a man attempt to surreptitiously put a number of items in his bag and then try to leave the store without paying. He was promptly stopped, where it was found out that he was trying to leave with an absurd collection of merch worth $576.16: 15 different containers of Pepcid, three more of antacid, eight containers of CK Spray, two containers of Advil and another kind of body spray, and, for whatever reason, a pair of curling irons. The 40-year-old Brooklyn man was arrested.
—SEAN EGAN
THE 10th PRECINCT: Located at 230 W. 20th St. (btw. Seventh & Eighth Aves.). Commander: Capt. Paul Lanot. Main number: 212-741-8211. Community Affairs: 212-741-8226. Crime Prevention: 212-741-8226. Domestic Violence: 212-741-8216. Youth Officer: 212-741-8211. Auxiliary Coordinator: 212-924-3377. Detective Squad: 212-741-8245. The Community Council meets on the last Wed. of the month, 7pm, at the 10th Precinct or other locations to be announced.
MIDTOWN SOUTH PRECINCT: Located at 357 W. 35th St. (btw. Eighth & Ninth Aves.). Inspector: Russel J. Green. Call 212-239-9811. Community Affairs: 212-239-9846. Crime Prevention: 212-239-9846. Domestic Violence: 212-239-9863. Youth Officer: 212-239-9817. Auxiliary Coordinator: 212-239-9836. Detective Squad: 212-239-9856. The Community Council meets on the third Thurs. of the month, 7pm, at the New Yorker Hotel (481 Eighth Ave., btw. W. 34th & W. 35th St.). Visit midtownsouthcc.org.
THE 13th PRECINCT: Located at 230 E. 21st St. (btw. Second & Third Aves.). Deputy Inspector: Brendan Timoney. Call 212-477-7411. Community Affairs: 212-477-7427. Crime Prevention: 212-477-7427. Domestic Violence: 212-477-3863. Youth Officer: 212-477-7411. Auxiliary Coordinator: 212-477-4380. Detective Squad: 212-477-7444. The Community Council meets on the third Tues. of the month, 6:30pm, at the 13th Precinct.
CASH FOR GUNS | $100 cash will be given (no questions asked) for each handgun, assault weapon or sawed-off shotgun, up to a maximum payment of $300. Guns are accepted at any Police Precinct, PSA or Transit District.
