The proud members of LOON (League of Outraged, Overreacting Nincompoops) are celebrating the holidays with their favorite seasonal whines.
You've probably heard their cry that Starbucks has declared a "war on Christmas" by serving coffee in plain red cups -- without trees or snowflakes on them. The holiday decorations and Christmas Blend coffee at my Starbucks apparently isn't enough for the LOON brigade. "Maybe we should boycott Starbucks," suggests holy man Donald Trump. "If I win . . . we're all going to be saying 'merry Christmas' again."
But that's not all. Welcoming both right and left wing nuts, members of the LOON still hold a grudge against those who dared to wear "offensive" costumes on Halloween. Yale University's Intercultural Affairs Committee directed students to be sensitive when selecting their getups, making sure they didn't mock "real people or cultures." So much for my Trump and Bernie Sanders costumes.
When faculty member Erika Christakis suggested that "free speech and the ability to tolerate offense are the hallmarks of a free and open society," she was met with a blizzard of anguish, and yes, threats. According to The Atlantic, one student whined in a school publication that, "I have friends who are not going to class, not doing their homework . . . and who are having breakdowns." From being told not to make a big deal about Halloween costumes?
By Thanksgiving, LOON's animal rights division stormed the field near the end of the Lions-Eagles football game to protest turkey day. "We love our dogs and cats at home, but spare little thought for the turkey lying dead on the table," said activist Cat Roberts (that's her name). Bon appétit!
So what's LOON's next target? It's obvious: Christmas songs. Are you dreaming of a white Christmas? I'll bet you are, you racist! And what about "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"? Isn't it bad enough making the poor deer drag Santa around all Christmas? Now you've got to mock his shiny nose? Animal hater!
Be warned. When it comes to offending the sensitivities of LOON, you can never be too careful. To quote part of group's favorite Christmas tune, "You better watch out!"
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.