BY MAX BURBANK | Oh my goodness! The Iowa Caucuses! It’s so exciting! After all the polls and debates and Op-Eds, we’re finally off to the races — and the results! Good lord, can you believe it? Why, this means…
Okay, before we talk about who won what and all that portends, let’s just take a breath, shall we? Stop for a moment and consider something we all know deep down. The entire nation is involved in a conspiracy to mutually pretend that a Caucus is pretty very nearly the same thing as a Primary, and here’s the thing: it isn’t. There’s a reason why the circular race in “Alice in Wonderland” that goes on for a while and then just stops with no one discernibly in the lead is called “The Caucus Race.” It’s because “Caucus” is just another way of saying “Meaningless Political Exercise.”
There is no way to even start thinking about the “meaning” of Iowa’s brief quadrennial foray into quasi-relevance until you understand what a “Caucus” is and how it differs from a “Primary.” To help you, I’ve prepared:
YOUR IOWA CAUCUS FAQ
Q: So, Max, just what is the Iowa Caucus?
A: That’s “Mr. Burbank.” The short answer is, “No one knows,” which is not exactly true. In any given Caucus year, anywhere between six and a half-dozen people truly know what a Caucus is, with at least 20 more scattered throughout the state who “pretty much know but couldn’t really explain it.”
Here’s how it works, I think, kind of, anyway: Iowans gather in all of the state’s 1,681 Precincts (times 2, 1 for Republicans, 1 for Democrats = 3,362; or 3,363, since one party has an additional Precinct, usually decided by “one potato/two potato”). They gather with the purpose of electing delegates to the corresponding county conventions, one for each of the 99 state counties.
Q: Wait…what?
A: Hang on, I’m not done. Republican and Democratic Caucuses follow different rules and procedures. While both are generally defined as “gatherings of neighbors” (as opposed to the “voting” that goes on in primaries), participants must be registered to the party of the Caucus they attend, but can change registration at the actual Caucus as long as they are in possession of a “ring-a-levio” card or can prove their nickname is “Slapsy.”
The Republican Caucus — which should not be confused with the Republican Straw Poll, held in August of the preceding year, an event mostly notable for being of even less importance than the Caucus, and now they aren’t going to do anymore ’cause word got out it was mostly just a liquor-fueled, corn on the cob eating contest — features lengthy speeches by “Precinct Captains” followed by paper balloting done right out in the open where anyone can see you, which accounts for all the fist fights. Iowa Democrats think the Republican process is way too simple and suspiciously like “voting.”
On arrival, Democrat Caucusers are sorted into designated candidate sections, (sometimes called “Voter Pens” or “Idiot Boxes”). There, they are counted. If one candidate fails to get at least 15% of voters, his “Pen” is opened, releasing its Caucusers. Precinct captains are allowed to speechify, cajole, threaten and prod released Caucusers into the remaining “Pens,” with the warning that if they continue to vote for their original candidate they will get a punch in the mouth.
The number of delegates for each Precinct will be assigned based on Democratic turnout in that Precinct from the last two elections. That’s a sentence I cut and pasted directly from the Washington Post. If anyone knows what it means, tell me, and we’ll both be happy.
Q: So, do the Iowa Caucuses matter?
A: Let me be clear. No.
Q: What? Wait, now…but, Max—
A: “Dr. Burbank,” please. Look, the Iowa Caucuses are deliberately structured to select a very specific set of voters. You have to be willing to give up a whole evening you could spend with loved ones watching TV like a normal person, drive who knows how far through what kind of hellish Iowan winter weather to some godforsaken school gymnasium/cafeteria that smells like boiled cabbage and capitulation, listen to teeth grindingly boring sound bites translated by neighbors who understand them even less than the candidates who spoke them in the first place, and find the entire process “fun.” The chances that you are (in ascending order of likelihood) without hobbies, evangelical, white, some sort of fanatic or an outright kook are very, very good.
This is not meant as a slight against Iowans, of whom the vast majority are lovely, well-adjusted people who almost certainly don’t Caucus. For the most part, Americans don’t even register to vote. Of those who do register, most of them still don’t vote. Apparently, we find voting kind of a drag. Is that good? Of course not — but Caucusing is a much bigger drag. So the results of the Iowa Caucuses tell us pretty much nothing. That being said, let’s move on to feverishly discussing the results of the Iowa Caucuses as if they were really, really exciting…and important.
Q: What?! But you just said—
A: Oh, what the hell else are we going to do? We’ve spent almost a year now pontificating, analyzing and chewing over every word 20-some odd megalomaniacs (and yes, anyone who thinks they should or even could be president is clearly a megalomaniac) have said without any real idea of what actual people might actually want. Now we have a data sample that, while tiny, bizarrely selective and not even arguably significant of anything, still undeniably exists. Are you kidding? We’re going to go to town with this! The only reason we are not actually wetting ourselves is we’re saving that for New Hampshire!
So! The mind blowing, astounding, game-changing results!
THE REPUBLICANS
Trump was leading in the polls right to the end, but Cruz was edging ever closer toward a photo finish! Iowa Republicans faced a tough choice, a nightmarish game of “would you rather,” as in: “Would you rather gargle with toxic waste or shove a road kill possum down your pants?” — except Iowans seemed oddly enthusiastic about both possibilities.
In the end, Cruz (27.6%) crushed Trump (24.3%) decisively, winning by a whopping 3.3% — or roughly, I don’t know, like, 60 Iowans? What this means for Trump’s future is uncertain, but this much we do know: Iowans prefer a complete a-hole with some actual government experience. By, you know, about 3.3%.
The big news here was always going to be who came in third, ’cause isn’t the bronze medal always the most exciting? Marco Rubio (23.1%) finished right behind Trump, giving his campaign a huge boost in credibility, always assuming you didn’t stop paying attention right after you heard Cruz won.
Ben Carson, who came in fourth with 9.3%, may have been hurt by Cruz supporters spreading rumors that he was dropping out of the race after it was revealed he had plane tickets to Florida, not New Hampshire. Carson’s Communications Director leapt in, releasing a statement that Carson was not dropping out, just getting out of Iowa ahead of a “snow storm” and going home to get “a fresh set of clothes.” I guess Detroit is between Iowa and Florida. He probably has a favorite bathing suit.
Jeb! Jeb. Jeb? In sixth place at 2.8%, he called Trump “unstable” and referred to Cruz and Rubio as “backbenchers who have never done anything of consequence in their lives.” Besides, you know, beating the crap out of Jeb! in the Iowa Caucuses.
John Kasich, at 1.9%, wanted to remind the voters of New Hampshire that he was the only Republican candidate who was an actual human being and not “some kind of reptile, or demon thrall or whatever the hell those other guys are.” Okay, that’s not really something he said, but it is true.
Carly Fiorina, also at 1.9%, said she was the most successful CEO in history, and that she had a suitcase full of baby parts she’d bought directly from Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards, and that she was already Queen of America, so Iowa could suck it.
Chris Christie, at 1.8%, wanted everyone to keep in mind that while technically he tied with Huckabee for last place, he wasn’t last place. Huckabee was last place ’cause he dropped out like a little baby quitter. Then he gave Huckabee a wedgie.
THE DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton (49.9%) won, which makes her the winner, and Bernie Sanders (49.6%) didn’t lose by very much at all, which makes him also the winner.
Clinton took Sanders to the cleaners by .3%, some unknowable sliver of which she got from six (or possibly more, who knows) Precincts where there were exact ties, so they tossed a coin…unless Sanders won more of them than Clinton — because in Iowa not all precincts even report on coin toss decisions. While this column is peppered with whoppers, that isn’t one of them. But let’s be clear: this tie was not a tie. It was a clear victory largely decided by coin tosses where the loser of the toss still defied expectations enough to be the real winner, and Martin O’Malley (0.6%) decided a refund on his airline ticket to New Hampshire was the better part of valor.
THE LOSERS
As of this writing, Martin O’Malley (0.6%) and Mike Huckabee have thrown in the towel — both forgone conclusions, really. O’Malley, because since Lincoln Chafee dropped out, he’s had no one to sit with at lunch — and Huckabee, because no one in America can say “President Huckabee” without giggling, on account of the visual of a grown man throwing a bee. Huck-a-bee? Seriously? If he’d really ever wanted to be president, he’d have changed his last name a long time ago. Surprisingly, fifth place finisher Rand Paul is also calling it quits. His spokespeople had initially called his finish “strong” and said the race was “wide open” — but they may have meant it was wide enough to exit through without difficulty. Rick Santorum (1%) also dropped out just before we went to press. Google “Santorum Urban Dictionary” to find out why.
Now, on to New Hampshire, “The Granite State” — a place every bit as cold, weird and marginalized as Iowa, but a place where there’s a Primary, so it’s easier to vote, and more people who care less will show up. And since caring less is what the vast majority of us do, the results will be more representative.
Is that enough to convince ourselves that anything before Super Tuesday makes any difference? If you’re still reading, the answer is a resounding, American “YES!”
Want more Max Burbank? Of course, you do! “Cruz” his musings, at maxburbank.wordpress.com.
