State of the Union, Donald Trump style

January 2017 …

January 2017 —

Mr. speaker, Mr. vice president, distinguished justices of the Supreme Court, ladies and gentlemen — and I use that term very generously Megyn Kelly, because I know you’re covering my address tonight, just like I told you a year ago you would be. You know, you should have listened to me back then, Megyn. But that’s what you get when you are very arrogant, a very rude person, frankly, and that goes for your boss, Roger Ailes, as well, who I know is watching me tonight, too, because he’s always watching me. He and the rest of Fox News.

But I don’t have time right now to talk about you or other rude individuals who were dead wrong — 100 percent dead wrong, I should point out — when they said I couldn’t become president. And you know what? They’re looking extremely stupid tonight, as I stand up here as the 46th commander in chief. Very, very extremely stupid, which is what they are. Extremely stupid, arrogant people.

But I couldn’t be bothered with any of them, frankly. I’ve got to deliver my State of the Union . . .

You know, there’s an expression we use in New York, “mens a mens,” it means things are, meh, not great, but not terrible either. But I’ve gotta say — and I say this with tremendous humility because it just happens to be true — we’re infinitely better off now that I’m your president instead of that clown we just got rid of. That’s not bragging. That’s just the truth. I’m a very, very smart man — I’m probably worth 10-, 12-, 14-billion dollars by now — and I only started with a few mil. Trust me, I’m the guy you want standing up here. Everyone will tell you that — especially the Mexicans. So I congratulate the people of the United States for doing a very brilliant thing in electing me their president.

I’m gonna tell you about my terrific, spectacular plan to gut renovate the White House in a few minutes — you wouldn’t believe what a dump the place is; don’t worry I’ve got my people on it. But first I want to tell you what I’m planning to do about all the debt we owe China and other countries.

Whatever it is we owe, China — I don’t know. What is it? Three, four billion? Well, we don’t have it, and we’re not printing more money. What are they gonna do to us?

Basically, we’re bankrupt, which is something I know a thing or two about. And when you can’t pay, you just can’t pay. So here’s what I’m going to offer China. Ten cents on the dollar. If they don’t like it, they can stop sending over their extremely cheap garbage they ship to us, like those toys with lead paint that make kids sick. It’s really a disgraceful situation, the things they send, and they’re lucky, frankly, that I’m even offering 10 cents, because it really should be more like five. We should actually sue them, which I’ll think about once the Mexicans finish paying off The Wall.

If Li Keqiang wants to start trouble, well I have a very smart plan for him. And for North Korea, too, frankly, which is basically the same country as China — did you all know that? — except that North Korea’s got a very short man as their leader.

You ever see Kim Jong il? He’s basically a midget, you know, a little person, which is why he’s always talking so big — ‘I’m gonna blow up this; I’m gonna blow up that.’ It’s a known scientific fact — people study this — that short people feel they have something to prove, you know, something to compensate for. I wouldn’t know that because I’m a very tall man — I’m quite tall actually, literally quite tall — so I don’t have anything to prove. It’s one of the reasons why beautiful women love me so much. And I love them for it. I love all women, mostly . . .

Anyway, I have a plan for North Korea, and for Vladimir Putin, who’s actually someone I think I could get to like. Putin’s a very smart man, too, but he’s not very tall either. Maybe five-seven or so — and he has, I think, around eight billion dollars. Like I said, I have 14 or 16 billion — roughly twice what Putin has. But I made my money. He stole his. But that’s the way the Russians are. If you don’t nail it down . . .

Hey, aren’t you people supposed to be clapping? Every time I see you on TV, this side’s standing up and clapping; then that side’s standing up and clapping. And where’s my friend Eliot Engel? And Chuck Schumer. Where’s Chuck?

Chuck, listen up. Because here’s what I’m thinking about Iran . . .

William F. B. O’Reilly is a Republican consultant.

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