Super Bowl thrills for the clueless

Sunday is Super Bowl LII — that’s 52 to those of you who don’t know Latin. The game will draw a humongous audience, but if you also don’t know much about football, why bother watching?

Here’s why: If you love hanging with family and friends, stuffing your face, gambling degenerately, or better yet, all three, you don’t have to know Tom Brady from Marcia Brady to have the time of your life.

The Super Bowl has become an unofficial national holiday, as American as pizza and guacamole, which will be consumed in obscene quantities, along with a gazillion gallons of beer, mountains of chicken wings and enough chili to gas up a fleet of Goodyear blimps.

Sure, lots of great grub, but shouldn’t you also cheer for a team, you ask?

The Philadelphia Eagles and New England Patriots are perhaps the two biggest enemies of our New York football squads, so how could you root for either one? Don’t! In fact, no need to even watch the game. Just socialize, pig out and place your bets. You can wager not only on the outcome, but also take part in one of those hundred-box pools. Don’t worry, it’s all luck, and the pool’s big winner always seems to be someone who has no idea what a touchdown is.

If having a betting interest gets your heart pumping, that’s only the beginning of the gambling fun, most of which has little to do with the game. For example, Las Vegas oddsmakers have set two minutes as the “over-under” for how long it will take Pink to sing the national anthem. No, I’m not making this up. If you put up $100 on her finishing in under two minutes, you will be screaming your lungs out at her to hurry it up if she embellishes singing “the land of the free.” Heart pounding action, and they haven’t even kicked off!

Such bets will be offered by Vegas and bookies nationwide throughout the game, right through to the end, when you can place a wager on the color of the Gatorade the winning team will dump on the coach’s head.

Yellow slime! Yes! I win! High five!

Who’s playing again?

Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.