A couple of weeks back I helped the ladies out with a little cheat sheet entitled “The Five Types of Guys You’ll Meet on Tinder.” As promised, here’s the sequel to that column.
My fellow gentlemen and bros, before you look at the five types of ladies below, just know that there are other types of women using online dating. However, about 85% of the girls you’re going to meet on apps like Tinder fall into one of the five categories you’re about to read.
Ladies, don’t be offended – I’m right whether you know it or not. I know you don’t like being labeled “this” or “that,” but it’s incredibly easy to label you. Just embrace it.
The “I’m new to NYC” Girl
She’s probably from the West Coast or a foreign country or some Third World area like New Jersey. I always get a little excited when I find a girl from Australia – that accent is just about the sexiest thing I could hear outside of Ariana Grande serenading me with my negative test results. Random food for thought: I still haven’t crossed Australia off of my “To Do” list. While that’s the beautiful side to the girls in this group, tread carefully, there’s a dark side: If she’s from Boston, beware of that God-awful accent. Side note: I'm actually going out with a girl from Boston tonight. Should be wicked awesome.
The "One-Night Stand" Girl
Now, this doesn't actually have to be a one-night stand, but it's probably best. She is the most promiscuous gal that Tinder has to offer. She’s probably not wearing a lot of clothing, if any at all, in her photos. There’s a lot of cleavage being thrown around. Tattoos are visible, most likely on the lower back and/or ribs. Dyed hair is a strong possibility – the more ridiculous the color, the more questionable her morals. She uses the letter “u” for “you” and has some spiritual quote in her profile that she read in a magazine that makes no sense – something like, “Ur not free until u learn to fly.” She just wants what 90% of guys on Tinder want. So if you’re a guy, congratulations, you’ve just found a winner. But don’t forget to double bag it!
The “My Friends Thought This Would Be Fun” Girl
Maybe it’s true. Maybe her friends coaxed her into getting a Tinder account because they were drinking wine and having a Netflix slumber party on a Friday night and thought it would be entertaining. It could be true, but it’s not likely. She’s probably looking for an excuse to go on Tinder because she hasn’t been on a date in six months and the last one ended up being a one-night stand with a guy she thought would be her knight in shining armor. Now she’s lonely and Tinder is all that’s left. It’s OK, sweetheart, I’m here for you.
The “I’m Closing in On 30 and All My Friends Are Married, but I’m Not, So I Went on Tinder” Girl
They exist … by the thousands. I use 30 as a general age. They tend to range between 25-36. Be careful, because they’re dangerous and they’re looking for Mr. Right in one of the most wrong places due to their horrible judgement of character. If you go out on a date with one of these ladies, be prepared for a lot of phone calls and text messages. How do you know for sure that she falls into this category? She probably brings up her friends a lot on the first date – more specifically how they just got engaged and/or married and how she didn’t have a plus-one for the wedding. For the love of God, don’t let her know where you live. You’ll regret it when you’re with another girl and you get a call from you doorman at 4 a.m. on a Saturday saying, “Your girlfriend is in the lobby.”
The “Fresh Out” Girl
I’m not talking fresh out of prison. I’m talking about fresh out of a relationship – which actually might be the same thing as prison to some girls. She might be on Tinder looking for something genuine. If that’s the case, be careful – girls who jump from one relationship right into the next tend to have a lot of self-esteem issues. That could end up being a mess. It’s more likely that she just wants to re-enter the dating scene with a bang … literally. She has all of this pent-up sexual frustration from her ex-boyfriend and wants to take it out on anyone in striking distance. Gentlemen, I’ve had more fun with this type of girl than any others I’ve been on dates with. And I’ve had zero “clingers” afterwards. What could be better?
Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew's latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at email@example.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.