I know I promised a little self-deprecation this week, but you’re going to have to wait until next week. Sorry, folks – turns out I had more failures and embarrassing moments than I even realized.
Surprisingly, through seven weeks of this column, I’ve gotten a lot more feedback from women than men. A few bro high fives here and there for all my conquests on the Tinder battlefield, but a lot more women asking me questions about how to navigate Tinder and the NYC online dating world. I’ve also gotten a couple nasty emails and texts, but that’s neither here nor there.
So today I’m going to help you women with a little “cheat sheet” as to what you can expect from online dating. Here’s a look at five types of guys you’ll meet on Tinder:
1. Serious Relationship Guy
I figure we should start with a positive because it’s pretty much downhill from here. This guy is on Tinder for all of the right reasons. He’s either fresh out of a previous relationship and is looking to get back into the dating scene or he’s been single for too long and wants someone special in his life. Either way, his intentions are sincere and he’s in it for more than just “the nookie,” to quote famous lyricist Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit fame.
2. The Virgin
First off, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. Society has always placed this weird stigma on being a virgin. Sex is overhyped anyway. Even though there are some of us – like myself and David Duchovny – who enjoy having as much of it as humanly possible. Anyway, Tinder is a good place for a person in this category to find someone they can be comfortable with for the first time. Having said that, ladies, if a virgin isn’t your thing then stay vigilant. Virgins tend to message often and are a little more aggressive because of the prospects that Tinder offers. You should be able to spot them from the inexperience in their tone.
3. The Player
These are guys who are on Tinder for one thing – I really shouldn’t have to spell it out at this point. There are plenty of my former Tinder dates that would throw me into this category, but that’s simply not true. I don’t go on Tinder dates looking for sex. I go on every date with an open mind, but I’m also incredibly picky. So if there are too many checkmarks in the “con” column and not enough in the “pro” column, I turn to sex. Like a chameleon, players are tricky to spot. They’re elusive because they’ll tell you everything you want to hear to get you out on that first date until the clothes come off. If they seem perfect just from your first chat and it seems too good to be true, chances are it is.
4. The Creep (not to be confused with "The Player")
I always urge my lady friends to be careful, because there are a lot of creeps on Tinder. What’s the difference between a “creep” and a “player”? Creeps aren’t going to tell you everything you want to hear. Instead, they’re going to send a lot of nude photos your way along with the dirtiest of sexual innuendos they can come up with. The good thing about creeps is that they’re incredibly easy to spot. If a conversation starts with “I’ve got something I want to show you,” move on.
5. Prince Charming
I feel like I’ve taken the wind out of a lot of your sails with this list. Sorry if I did, but like Sgt. Hartman in “Full Metal Jacket,” I’m here to prepare you for the war that is online dating. The good news is that there is someone out there who may not be 100 percent perfect, but is damn close to it. Patience is a virtue and that is the most applicable phrase here. If you wait long enough and go out on enough dates, eventually you’ll find me-- ahem, excuse me-- eventually you’ll find a guy who makes you happy.
Looking back, maybe a few of you ladies were right – I do belong in the “player” category. Yeah, so what? “I did it all for the nookie” – two Limp Bizkit references in one column? Mind blown. And you know what? I’m proud of being titled a “player.” But I will be a Prince Charming one day, even if it kills me … which it very well might at this rate.
For all of my bros out there, there will be a “Five Types of Girls You Meet on Tinder” in the very near future. You ladies might want to pay attention to that one, too.
Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew's latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.