Fifty Shades of Hogan Vol. 1: First Tinder Date

All right, it’s been six weeks of solid advice from yours truly and I’ve been hounded enough to know what stories you really want to hear, so let’s lead off with what most people probably sign up to Tinder for: The “casual encounter”.

You’re not going to get “Fifty Shades of Grey” from me, but I’ll give you enough to satisfy the more prurient interests, without the garbage you get in that book – basically descriptions of porn with the words “seductively” and “provocatively” appended to every action.

I won’t use real names in my column, so we’ll call my first Tinder date Adriana (in honor of Victoria’s Secret goddess Adriana Lima – really hoping she’s a reader).

Adriana and I matched on Tinder and she messaged me a couple of hours later. We went back and forth with a little small talk before she finally asked me what I was doing on Tinder. I was very upfront: “Not looking for anything serious – just having fun.”

She quickly responded with, “Oh, well I’m looking for something serious.”

That’s that, right?

Two minutes later I got another message: “Well I can have fun, too.”

I know, drastic change from “something serious,” but I ran with it and set up a date.

She lived on Long Island but worked in the city. She had work Saturday mornings and I had set up the date for a Friday night, offering her the option to stay over if she wanted – that’s the genius in me.

At first, she just wanted to meet up at a bar and not my apartment, which is fair because I could’ve been Ted Bundy for all she knew.

The day before the date she changed her mind and sent me a message: “Why don’t we just meet at your apartment?” That quickly changed into, “Would it be OK if I just stayed over and went to work from your place the next day?”

I know, a lot of rapid changes with this one, but give me the open field then I’m going to keep chugging toward the end zone.

She came over and we had a couple of drinks at my place while getting to know each other.

The beauty of Tinder is that we already knew a fair amount about each other before we met, so that initial face-to-face isn’t as awkward as a normal first date. For instance, she had told me she was 4-foot-10, so I wasn’t shocked when she got there. That may have been a little jarring if I hadn’t known ahead of time.

After that, we went to a local bar and had a few more drinks. We discussed our thoughts on hookups and things of that nature, so a lot of cards were already out on the table.

At this point, to continue with the football analogy, it was first and goal on the 1-yard line and I had the best running back in the league – although I guess that doesn’t work all the time, eh Pete Carroll?

Once we were back at my place I seductively touched her hip while she provocatively caressed my side (see what I did there?). The lights dimmed and the clothes came off.

What took place next with a girl who’s 4-foot-10 and weighs barely 100 pounds was something I can only describe as “nude gymnastics.” It was quite an experience.

We had an awesome night and the next morning left things open to something we could do again if either of us were so inclined.

What made the experience so easy – aside her 180-degree decision making – was the open dialogue we had the whole time. “No strings attached” was my mindset from the start and I made sure she knew that. Once she accepted that, well … TOUCHDOWN!

Not all of my Tinder stories, for lack of a better term, have a happy ending for me. Next week I’ll openly degrade myself – that should make some of you readers happy.

Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew’s latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at amnydating@gmail.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.