Fifty Shades of Hogan Vol. 3: The ‘mother’ of all Tinder stories

Matthew Hogan's next Tinder tale happened on Mother's Day.
Matthew Hogan’s next Tinder tale happened on Mother’s Day. Photo Credit: Craig Ruttle

A lot of my close friends, and even some family members, have heard this next story and it seems to be a favorite. So lets gather around the campfire for another installment of Fifty Shades of Hogan.

I started talking to a girl on Tinder last April, eventually setting up a date with her on a Saturday night (Side note: I had my date with Adriana the girl from the first installment of Fifty Shades of Hogan literally the night before).

I take most of my dates out for drinks. You dont get dinner on the first date. You have to earn a dinner with me, and I dont mean earn it sexually. You just have to be a decent person. However, early on in my Tinder game I was naive and opted for dinner with this particular gal.

Again, I dont use real names, so lets call her Sarah, in honor of my serious Hollywood crush: Sarah Hyland.

I had Sarah meet me at Numero 28 on the Lower East Side. Quick plug: Numero 28 is the best Italian food in NYC Ill put it up against anything.

Anyway, she showed up 25 minutes late and got dropped off in a limo. Theres a long story behind the arrival that Im not going to get into, but bottom line is that Sarah was late. Don’t ever be late to a date, girls. Actually, don’t be unexpectedly late at all, if you catch my drift.

We actually had a nice date once she got there. Found out we worked in the same industry and we did a lot of similar social things. Sarah also modeled in her spare time no big deal.

Sarah had to meet friends later that night and I was wiped, so we scheduled a second date for the following weekend.

Before we got to the second date, I ran into a bit of dilemma. Well, a dilemma for some, more of a goal for me. Sarah followed me on Instagram (BulkHogan8 follow me now) and I, being the gent that I am, obviously followed her back.

After perusing through her account, I noticed she had a lot of photos with a young boy. Within 60 seconds of following her, she quickly texted me: Hey you probably realized this by now, but I have a son. Sorry, I should have said something on our date.

Shes a mom?!?

Did I panic? No way. This is where we separate the men from the proverbial boys pun absolutely intended.

I said, Oh, how old is he? Whats his name?

I took an active interest and showed that I cared because Ill be damned if that dinner was for nothing and Ive always wanted to sleep with a MILF.

Unfortunately for Sarah, I was not the man of her dreams by any stretch of the imagination. Take care of 6-year-old? Are you kidding? Im 28 and I can barely do my own laundry.

Now before we get to the big payoff, I want to state that I never wouldve let this get to the point of actually meeting her kid. Im a hookup artist, not a sociopath without a soul. Believe it or not, there are morals kicking around in this head of mine.

Lets fast forward one week. The second date went well. We had drinks over by my place and then Sarah came back and stayed over. To answer your question, pervs: No, we didnt have sex.

The second date led to a third date during which we talked about how the third time she stayed over meant that we had to have sex this was my brainchild (pun intended again), but she was all for it.

The fourth date wasnt really a date at all. We were out at separate bars and she wanted to come back and meet me at my place. It was a Saturday night. Actually, it was early Sunday morning. Sunday, May 11, to be precise.

Why am I telling you that? Why is that date relevant? Well, it just so happens that May 11, 2014, was Mothers Day. Thats correct I sealed the deal with a mom on Mothers Day.

After that, I distanced myself. She was a little crazy and there was that whole I have a kid thing that I didnt want to deal with. Do I feel good about what happened with Sarah? Yes. Yes, I do.

For all of you who feel Im due for some karma, dont worry. Im sure when I finally father a child of my own if theres not one running around out there already Im doomed to have a daughter so I have to worry about this type of thing happening to her until the day I die.

Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew’s latest column. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at amnydating@gmail.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.