Tomorrow’s the day Democrats have been giddily awaiting and Republicans quietly dreading: the first GOP presidential debate.
The 10 candidates chosen from the Kentucky Derby field-sized crowd of contenders includes two shy, sweet men from our area, Donald Trump and N.J. Gov. Chris Christie.
How proud we’ll be!
For those with more important plans (like watching “Hoarders” reruns), here is a sneak peek at exactly how the debate will go:
After the obligatory round of Hillary Clinton bashing, the lesser candidates desperately try for attention by ganging up on front-runners: The Donald, the Bush who now refers to himself only as “Jeb!,” and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, who said the next president would “very possibly” have to bomb Iran on his or her first day in office.
Ohio Gov. John Kasich tries to score points early by accusing Trump of being a closet liberal. “Aren’t you pro-choice and pro-single- payer health care?” he challenges. “Just as you went bankrupt, you want to bankrupt America.”
“Me?” Trump replies with a smirk. “Weren’t you a managing director at Lehman Brothers when it destroyed the American economy? We’re in your home state, and half the audience never heard of you. Loser!”
On government spending, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul repeats his description of Christie as “the king of bacon.” A glaring Christie threatens to flatten Paul, prompting a warning from a Fox News moderator.
When the topic shifts to immigration, the candidate formerly known as Bush takes on Trump’s nasty rant against Mexicans here illegally. “I was hurt, hearing you speak in such a vulgar fashion,” says Jeb, whose wife is Mexican.
“Boohoo!” says Trump. “What’s the matter, you couldn’t find a nice American girl? My God, you’re even stupider than your brother!” A furious Jeb hurls his notepad at Trump, but The Donald ducks, causing it to hit Walker. “I’ll drop a bomb on you, too, Jeb!” fumes Walker.
“Time’s up!” barks moderator Chris Wallace. “All of you, off the stage, now!”
As they file off, Wallace chimes in: “You should all be ashamed of yourselves.” He is slipped a note. “What’s this? Highest ratings in debate history? Great job, guys!”
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.