Dear Aunt Chelsea:
We were all so very relieved (no pun intended) when the Poop Scoop law finally went into effect, oh so many years ago. Lately, though, I wonder whatever happened to “CURB YOUR DOG?” Is this still a law? As you know, dear Aunt Chelsea, the entire city (and Chelsea in particular) is overrun with pooches — some cute, some not so much. But in either event, so-called “animal lovers” seem to think it perfectly fine to let Fifi pee-pee in the middle of the sidewalk. I witness this almost daily. Why is this?
In November, two young men let their medium-sized pooch pee on one of those canvas construction sheds that restaurants erect in winter to keep cold out. This enraged me. I said to said pooch owners, “Oh, and you would think it would be just so cute if someone’s dog peed on your front door?” Not surprisingly, their response to me is unprintable. A few seconds later, a worker from the restaurant came out and poured boiling water on the shed.
These same dog owners let their pets pee on the wonderful flower arrangements that many of our local Mom & Pop delis own. Walking down the street to see these flowers is a breath of fresh air for us all — and these shop owners work 24/7 to keep them that way. Is it fair to have them be literally pissed on by inconsiderate or brain dead pet owners?
Aunt Chelsea, I don’t expect you have an answer to this conundrum. I just wanted to know your take on it all.
Thanks.
Pissed (aka, Curb My Enthusiasm)
Dear Curbed:
How on earth could you present Aunt Chelsea with such a classic (yet utterly contemporary) urban conundrum and not expect her to have an answer?
Giving my readers the straight poop is what I’m here for, dear. So let’s see if we can’t clean up your “Number One” problem.
Be they cute poodles or homely pugs, the simple fact is that our beloved four-legged friends are doing nothing more than heeding nature’s call. Unfortunately, this means the sidewalks, flower beds and canvas sheds of Chelsea end up absorbing the business end of their business. So it’s no wonder that you’re still fuming about a bitter November exchange with those two jumbo-sized boneheads and their medium-sized pooch.
Pouring hot water on the problem didn’t seem to help matters, so it’s time to deploy a special blend of “poop” psychology. As Aunt Chelsea’s plethora of Jewish and Catholic friends have told her time and time again, one should never underestimate the power of shame to move mountains. But sometimes, even shame in and of itself isn’t enough. So leave it to Aunt Chelsea’s beloved cadre of neighborhood gay boys to fill in the blank, so to speak, with the missing piece of our strategy puzzle (by lifting a song title from that immortal musical, “Gypsy.”). In short, hon, “You Gotta Get a Gimmick.”
The next time you see a dog owner out for a walk and poised to make a mess in an inappropriate location, you (and a friend or two) should fan out in front of them, with brooms at the ready. Then sweep them to and fro, as if you were coaxing a curling stone towards its rightful place in the center ring. This makes absolutely no sense, of course, since anyone batting cleanup would be trailing Fido instead of standing in front of his owner in full froth mode. But how else are you going to look them in the eye, with righteous shouts of “Shame, Shame, Shame?”
I’ll just bet you the utterly surreal public humiliation you’ve just subjected the poor pooch owner to will ensure that they adhere to the rules of common courtesy — or, at the very least, take their business elsewhere. Good luck, hon…and if this merry prank backfires on you, please don’t call Aunt Chelsea to post bail. I’ll be in for the night, cleaning my kitty’s litter box!
