BY TIM GAY | Tragedy strikes the Trump inaugural ball, when country music legend Loretta Lynn is accidentally shot 32 times by “Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson as she is singing the national anthem. Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association’s C.E.O., issues a statement, noting, “While we mourn the unfortunate passing of the Coal Miner’s Daughter, we must remember that the Second Amendment guarantees the God-given right for all Americans to bear assault weapons. And in President Trump, we trust our bullets.”
— More than 250 taco trucks continue to surround the White House for the second month.
“Business has been phenomenal,” organizer Jennifer Lopez notes. “Who knew there were so many white Republicans who’ve never tasted a real burrito or anything outside of a Taco Bell?”
— The North Carolina Ku Klux Klan sues the Trump Golf organization over “elitist, exclusionary and secretive” membership policies at Trump’s Charlotte golf club. Chris Barker, the KKK’s North Carolina imperial wizard, who was denied membership, states, “We’re all white men. They’re all white men. What’s the problem?”
— Feminists show strong support for Melania Trump after X-Tube posts several Slovenian porn videos starring the young “Melanija Knavs.”
“Sex work is legitimate work and should be honored and legal, not scorned and vilified,” social critic Camille Paglia notes. “Besides, watching that young Melanija do those naked gymnastics with so many men is…oooh la la!”
— Citing human-rights violations against Muslims, women, lesbians and gay men, and “the blacks,” the European Union unanimously votes to deny entry visas for President Trump and Vice President Pence.
— “What audit?” outgoing I.R.S. Commissioner John Koskinen says when asked about Donald Trump’s taxes.
— Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will send President Trump a $10.5 billion invoice for building the Northern Wall and to cover healthcare costs for United States refugees.
“We love our friends from south of the border, but they are fat, bloated, lazy slobs addicted to salty snack foods and Big Gulps loaded with high-fructose corn syrup,” he said. “We must deport these U.S. citizens and block future refugees, or else face a healthcare catastrophe.”
— Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell unveils his new strawberry-blond “comb-over” hairdo, in tribute to the new president.
— Secretary of State Sarah Palin accidentally kills Russian President Vladimir Putin with a moose rifle during the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Trump Resort on the Bering Strait, located on one of the Aleutian Islands between Siberia and Alaska.
“I didn’t know the gun was loaded,” the new secretary says, “but he had it coming anyway.”
— The first lady and first son are seen dining on enchiladas and papaya smoothies at a taco truck near the White House’s west wing gate.
— More than 200,000 L.G.B.T.Q. activists storm Washington, D.C., and set up temporary headquarters at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. The center’s Web page notes, “During the occupation, all performances will remain on schedule. We do ask for donations of mineral water, gluten-free and vegetarian foods, good-quality goat cheese, moisturizing lotions and matching sheet sets.”
