Mystico’s Halloween Horoscopes



Aries  Forcefully decline that eccentric billionaire’s dare to spend the night in his haunted mansion. There’s no such thing as easy money!

Taurus  Your attempt to coax an act of bravery out of a large breed dog will fail, unless you accept his demand for three delicious biscuit snacks. The ghost you fear is just a guy in a mask, flying on wires!

Gemini  Friends are tired of seeing you in drag every Halloween. Expand your horizons!

Cancer  A dear friend’s seasonal depression stems from consumer guilt over spurning pumpkin-flavored products. Help them resist — and come December, be prepared for a candy cane crisis of the same stripe.

Leo  That pop-up shop employee’s gushing appraisal of your costume choice is actually a pick-up line. A mischievous wink lets them know it’s message received.

Virgo  Mystico’s warning from a few weeks ago remains. Forego countryside apple picking, and stick with Union Square greenmarket cider for the remainder of the season — or suffer a gruesome fate.

Libra  On November 1st, kind words of encouragement handily trump guilt trips, when attempting to prevent a diabetic friend from binging on discounted Halloween candy.

Scorpio  Fishing for compliments is like bobbing for apples — by the time you come up for air, you’re all wet.

Sagittarius  Your lecture about the fundamental inferiority of that “Carrie” remake dates you — back to the stone age! Stop expecting people born after you graduated college to start living in the past.

Capricorn  Handfuls of name brand candy treats dissuade delinquent tweens from egging your door. Employ this strategy in late December — when again they come, this time a-wassailing.

Aquarius  With loud barks and subtle nonverbal signals, your pet begs for a scrap of dignity. Doggie trick-or-treat costumes are degrading!

Pisces  You will bond with an Aires over a mutual love of old school Halloween candy. Atomic Fireballs rule! Candy cigs are fun, but only blow smoke once.